Update

Okay, so I'm not the most reliable blogger.   I guess it's time for an update.

I did end up doing Fresh Cycle number 8.  I didn't even post about it because I felt

kind of ridiculous doing it.  It went poorly.  Even on a higher dose of meds, my body

still did not respond at all like it did in the past.  We ended up with only 3 blasts (so in the 4 cycles I did at SIRM, we went from 11 blasts to 7 blasts to 5 blasts to 3 blasts).   I don't know if it has something to do with having done so many IVF's or just getting older.  At any rate, only the eggs were being tested this time around.  The retrieval was back in October and the results are still not in.  Needless to say, it's highly unlikely that someone who had only 2 normal embryos out of 11 will have even one out of 3 so I haven't exactly been on the edge of my seat waiting for results.  

The good news is that, ever since we got back from the miserable cycle, we've had an adoption situation going on!   We hadn't even signed up with an agency yet, but our homestudy was completed and an attorney that I had spoken with several times about adoption heard that we had completed the homestudy.  He called us with a situation.  I spoke with the birthmother and sent her some pictures and she selected us.  She's due in early Feb.   It will be a closed adoption with no further contact.  

I'm excited but really afraid to let myself get too carried away.  She seems very confident that this decision is made, but I know that she could still change her mind last minute.  DH is being more optimistic than I am.  It's just hard for me to believe that, after everything we've gone through with IVF, an adoption situation could land in our lap so easily and actually happen.    This will be a 5 hour plane flight and 3 hour drive for us.  I'm kind of nervous about how everything will play out with booking travel last minute and buying the things we'll need.  

Is it possible that we'll actually be parents in just a little over a month???

10dp5dt

My surrogate broke down and took a blood test at a place that gives the results directly to patients at 7dp5dt and it was negative.  That pretty much settled things.  Nonetheless, the clinic wanted another test today at 10dp5dt which was also negative (no surprise there).

From the moment the tested embryo was determined not to have thawed properly, I knew there was very little hope for this cycle.  And, actually, DH and I are relieved just to have it 

be a flat out BFN vs. a short lived BFP.

We set up our adoption home study appointment for next weekend.  If it seems to some of you that I'm jumping into adoption alarmingly fast, that's not really the case.   If it works out for us, I have a feeling I'll be kicking myself for having been so slow to head in that direction.  DH and I went into IVF saying that we'd adopt if it didn't work out for us.  I don't think either of us banked on doing as many cycles as we did and spending so many years.  It's just that we always seemed so close to having success.  

There was a point along the way where I started feeling ready to give up on IVF, but DH wasn't there yet.  Then, I think he was there at one point, but I wasn't.  I didn't want to pressure him into adoption.  I knew adoption was something we both had to feel fully ready for at the same time.  Recently, DH started bringing it up as something he really wants to move ahead with.   I'm not going to say I don't have fears about adopting.  It seems like a such a huge leap of faith but, if I trust my heart and what others who have adopted tell me, we're probably going to come out the other side wishing we had just done it sooner.   I've spent years thinking about it, reading about it and talking with people who have adopted so it's not like I'm going into it blindly by any means.  Even so, I'm just nervous about starting a whole new process and of the new types of disappointments that might be out there waiting for us.  

 

Decisions

Over the past couple days, DH and I have managed to reach a decision.

We are going to do the home study for adoption. I've already started getting the required letters of reference and documents together and will call tomorrow to set up the
appointment time. I know the home study itself will take up to a month before it's completed. During that time, I'll try to work on deciding if we should use an agency or attorney. We plan on adopting an infant domestically but, beyond that, I'm not sure yet what avenue we'll use to proceed with things. I can only hope this process ends up actually resulting in our becoming parents and, preferably, sometime before I turn 40. It's hard to believe that anything will after getting disappointed for so many years by infertility treatment.

Today is 6dp5dt for my surrogate and she's testing negative on HPT's. I was actually annoyed to find that my clinic expected her to test at 8dp5dt, not give us the result, then have her test again at 10dp5dt. We have to pay for these tests out of pocket and they are $ 200 each. So, if it was negative at 8dp5dt, we'd essentially be doing another test for no reason. I told my Dr. that I'd rather just do the first test at 10dp5dt so it can be accepted as a conclusive negative and then not have them require an additional test. I know $ 200 is not much in the scheme of IVF, but it's enough to have 2 nice dinners out.....or fill my gas tank four times......or buy a couple pairs of shoes......or do plenty of other things which are all a heck of a lot better than getting a repeat negative beta result. I mean who has ever gotten a beta done at 8dp5dt, had a complete negative, and actually gone on to get a positive 2 days later? I am guessing no one.

I think I give up

Nothing went well today.  

Finally, at around 2:00, I heard from the clinic.  The news was basically that the tested embryo was still not expanded which was a bad sign and that they suggested thawing out my one inconclusive embryo (in other words, the tested one had no chance so we should transfer whatever else we could at the same time and say 1000 Hail Mary's).  

I pointed out that 1.)  I was supposed to have 2 untested embryos and 2.) the agreed upon plan from the start was that they would thaw and transfer all 3 embryos.

The coordinator told me that she checked with the lab and I only had 2 embryos; the CGH tested and 1 untested.  I insisted that there was another embryo that my old coordinator had discovered several months ago and had verified was there with the lab.

We were told to go there immediately for the transfer.  When I got there,  I was told that I was right and there was a 3rd embryo.  Meanwhile, it's not like it really mattered because everything had been riding on our one tested embryo and basically that was crap after the thaw.

It wasn't dead but it wasn't developing either after several hours.

My surrogate and I got there only to wait for about 2 1/2 hours before they actually did the transfer.  My poor surrogate had to empty her bladder twice and drink the water all over again. She was being a good sport but at one point she joked that it was only her first time and she was already starting to feel bitter.  Welcome to my world. 

When the Dr. finally came in, he told me that the tested embryo was still non-expanded which was basically a bad sign, that one of the tested embryos looked "okay", and that I had one beautiful looking hatching untested embryo.  I pointed out to him that I've had as many as 11 supposedly perfect looking blasts in one cycle before and only 2 of them tested normal.  I transferred 3 hatching blasts to a surrogate in Florida that were not tested and she got pregnant with and miscarried one at around 8 weeks (later revealed to be abnormal).  So, it's not like I'm going to be optimistic about one embryo that looks good when it hasn't been tested.  I was annoyed that he was trying to put a positive spin on this like there actually is a chance.   

He basically couldn't give me any good explanations about what happened with the CGH one.  He said that, yes, maybe the tested embryo was really abnormal as happens 20% of the time (up quite a bit from when I first started doing this but I guess that's the risk you take with new research).  He basically admitted having no idea what is going on with our case and didn't know what to advise us.  

Of course, it is only too symbolic of our luck that we finally get things together to transfer a tested embryo to a surrogate and it's the first time one of our tested embryos hasn't come through the thaw looking perfect.  

DH and I talked and we are just so done with this.  We would have given up long ago if we weren't always so seemingly close to having this work.  I wish things had gone more obviously wrong earlier so we would have changed paths and not wasted so many years and money.   Now I see that we're never going to have everything align all at once.  I had the good embryos when I was transferring them to myself.  Now, that I have a surrogate, I don't have embryos. 

We don't know what we're going to do.   I just can't even think straight anymore tonight. 

Waiting

Dinner with my GS and her husband went really well.  We were all very comfortable around each other and it was great to finally meet her in person.  

I woke up this morning at 5:30 AM.....partly due to the 3 hour time difference, but probably more to do with the fact that I'm a nervous wreck right now (so much for remaining numb).

I actually dumped my morning coffee halfway through drinking it (unheard of!) because I was already so jittery that I couldn't handle the caffeine.

The coordinator will call my GS around 10 this morning and let her know what time the transfer will be this afternoon.  She'll call and let me know as soon as she finds out.  It's going to be torture waiting all day to see if the embryos make it.   

I'll post later after we get back.  PLEASE, please make it tested embryo.  :{

 

Vegas.....again

Well, here we are in Vegas again.  It was a bit of a different experience flying here without 

toting along IVF medications.  I think this is the first time I've ever been here that my carry-on and body weren't full of meds.  

We're about to head out to meet my surrogate and her husband for the first time in person.  I feel like I already know her very well since we've exchanged many e-mails and photos, have talked on the phone and even used the webcam to talk once.   She is really an amazing person and I feel so fortunate to have her doing this for us.  

I'm still in a panic worrying that the tested embryo may not make the thaw.  I think you've all seen how my luck (or lack thereof) goes when it comes to all of this.

I'll post tomorrow after the transfer.  Thanks for the good wishes from those who posted.  It's nice knowing that there are friends out there looking out for me.

3 Days to Transfer

On Thursday, my GS called to tell me she just got back from her lining check and her lining was 16 mm. I couldn't ask for better than that. So, she started her progesterone and the transfer will happen on Tuesday. DH and I fly out to Vegas on Monday.

When I told DH about her results, he said that he was mainly worried that the embryos wouldn't make the thaw....especially our one tested one. I wish he hadn't said that. I know it's a very real possibility, but it's something I'm trying not to acknowledge at the moment. It is exactly the type of thing that would happen to us when we are finally trying to transfer a tested embryo to a GS.  I'm just praying that we will get a break and everything will go as planned. 

I've been trying my best to remain a little numb throughout the whole process this time.  It's hard because we have so much riding on this.  Meanwhile, my surrogate is very excited so I try to make myself a little more upbeat for her sake.  She is someone who is not used to failing in the this arena. I'm someone who can't really fathom winning anymore.

At any rate, I will try to post from Vegas after the transfer.

I'm back

I know it's been a long time since I've written. I've probably lost the few readers I had by this time.

Things have just been very busy. I've been trying to cram a bunch of things in before I end up absorbed with all of the IVF issues again. I didn't want to even think about IVF for awhile so that meant taking a little break from this blog. We went to visit DH's mom again for a couple days. My Dad visited for a week and I had a great time with him here....although I felt sort of bad having my Dad visit when DH no longer has his, but he assured me that he loves my Dad and didn't want me to not have him visit. Next weekend we're going to VT for my mom's birthday.

We will go to Vegas Aug. 25-27 for the transfer to my GS. The more I get to know her, the more I see what an amazing person she is and I feel so lucky to have her doing this for us. I just hope one of our embryos cooperates. I feel a huge amount of pressure to have this work......even more than usual. For one, these are the last embryos we have frozen anywhere. In the past, we've always had some as a back up. Even if I might not have had high hopes for them, at least there was some sort of chance left. For another, my MIL is so hopeful of this working. I know it'd mean so much to her and the last thing she needs in her present emotional state is bad news. The same could be said for DH. So, I really almost am afraid to even do this for fear of creating bad news.

We are still planning to do the fresh cycle in October even though I'm very uncertain about whether it's the right thing or not. I talked it out with my MIL and she made me promise we'd go ahead with it as we had originally planned. It's just that so much has changed since then. If the transfer to my surrogate doesn't work this time, how much hope would I have of not only getting more normal embryos in another fresh cycle (especially considering I didn't the last time around and I'm that much older now) but then also having the transfer work? Right. Not much.

Canceled cycle

We ended up deciding to hold on the fresh cycle until Oct.   I hope the decision isn't a mistake.  I'll be 1 month away from turning 39 at that point.  The thing is, if we were already having to wait until August, it's only an additional 2 months.  Granted, it's 7 months since the last time I cycled (and who knows if that went poorly because I was 7 months older than the time prior to that), but there's nothing I can do about it.  

We're going to try to proceed with the transfer of the embryos we already have frozen to our surrogate in August.  I just didn't feel like I could handle that and a fresh cycle in the same month under the circumstances.   The next cycle my Dr. offers after that isn't until Oct.

Things are still sad and stressful.  I'm hoping that, by Oct., at least we'll be in a position where we could handle bad news.  I can't imagine doing both in August and finding out the transfer to the surrogate didn't work and we didn't have any normal embryos.  We're already in such a depressed state right now due to missing DH's Dad that I can't take the risk of setting us up for that kind of situation.

Father's Day

We got back from Long Island Friday night. We didn't want to leave my mother in law, but could tell she needed some time to herself. We've been calling her 3 to 4 times a day to check on her and plan to go back again Friday-Tues.

I know today is going to be especially rough for DH. Father's Day has always been kind of hard on him just like Mother's Day always is for me due to not having children. But, now he will also suffer because he no longer has his Dad either. I remember asking my MIL the week before last what we could get DH's Dad for Father's Day and she had said that he had been carrying around a soft briefcase sort of thing that DH had given to him years ago (I think it was just something that DH had and didn't use) to the point that it was getting holes in it. It was definitely nothing great but he liked it only because it was from DH. So, we had planned to get him a really nice one to replace it. I feel so upset that, if this had to happen, it couldn't have at least been after Father's Day so he could have gotten all the gifts and cards from the family and would have left knowing how much we all love him.

We canceled the July IVF cycle. We just don't have that in us right now. My intent when canceling had been to postpone until August and I think that's what DH wants to do. But part of me just feels like putting it on hold even longer until the next cycle Dr. S. has after that which is in Oct. If I could be reassured that waiting that long wouldn't make a difference, I would definitely wait.

I'm not sure what we'll do about the surrogacy. The lady who will be my GS is just wonderful and told me not to worry; that she'd wait for us as long as we needed her to. Financially, it's going to be rough as my FIL had been sending us money for the surrogacy. Now, after taking over management of the finances temporarily to help out, I can see he was being extremely generous by helping us. I'm sure he had been expecting money in for deals he was working on that would have taken care of everything, but now that money is not coming in and we certainly do not want to take anything from my MIL as she'll need what she gets for selling the house and from life insurance to take care of herself. But, my MIL insists that it was so important to my father in law that we do this and he would not have wanted us to cancel everything. She made me promise not to. So I guess we'll have to find some way to do it. I just can't see doing a fresh IVF cycle in August and trying to get my surrogate's transfer of the embryos we already have set up for August as well. It just seems like too much....emotionally and financially.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I just have to make the decision and not trouble DH with this as he has more than enough to deal with right now.

Death of a much loved father in law

My father in law died very suddenly on Friday afternoon.   It came as a complete shock to everyone.  He was 73 but seemingly very healthy and active.  He was a great man who treated me like his own daughter.  Whenever I saw him, his eyes would light up and he'd give me a big hug and tell me how beautiful I was.   The whole family is devastated.   My husband doesn't know how he'll pull through this.  He always used to call his Dad for advice and guidance on things.  His Mom and Dad had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary not too long ago.  They had known each other since they were 14.  They were the kind of couple that was so obviously as much in love 50 years later as they were upon getting married.  I am very worried for my mother in law.   

My husband's mom and dad had both been helping us financially with the surrogacy and have always been there for us to talk to throughout hard times.  I am sad that, if we ever have a child, he will not get to see him/her.  I know my father in law would have loved that more than anything.  I went in his office to try to help sort through papers yesterday and he actually had a file of articles about infertility.  He wanted to understand and help.  I couldn't help but start crying.  He had really wanted to have the whole family together, but never pressured us because he and my MIL understood it would be painful for us to be around Jordan's brother's children.  The sad thing is now we are all here together and we have met some of the children for the first time (and they are so cute) and we have bridged the gap that had grown between his brothers and their wives and us.  Yet, I hate that it took this for it to happen.  I feel like I was selfish and should have done it sooner for the sake of my in laws who were getting older.

I will never again assume there is always time to make a situation right.

My husband is so devastated.  There is so much more to say but the funeral is today and I should go get ready.  It's going to be an extremely difficult day for everyone.

Money

Well, it looks like we're going to try to move forward with this other surrogate in Vegas, but I'm really worried about the financial aspect of it all. We called tons of insurance companies and she talked with an insurance broker. The bottom line is there are no individual plans out there which even cover maternity (let alone when it's a surrogacy) without a 12 month waiting period except for the policies underwritten by Lloyd's of London specifically for surrogacy pregnancy coverage and they are very expensive.

The best one I could find requires a $8,200 premium and there is a $ 17,200 deductible. The deductible has to be paid up front along with the premium but, at the end of pregnancy, they do return any unused balance of the deductible after 6 months.

Our only other option is to just self pay all the medical costs but I honestly have no idea how expensive a pregnancy could get if there happened to be complications. We already know she'll probably need a C-section since she had one for her child.

So, the question is do we pay $ 8,200 to guarantee that our medical costs won't end up in excess of $ 17,200 (so essentially, our costs would have to end up being more than $25,400 for the insurance to have been worth it). If there is a miscarriage after she's transferred over to the OB, there is no refund of any of the premium so we'd risk losing substantial money there for nothing....not that we're not used to that, of course. I'm looking to my in laws for guidance with this since they make pretty level headed decisions when it comes to finances. So far, they seem to be of the opinion that we should just self pay. It's just that, knowing our luck, it is not too difficult to imagine some kind of major complications occurring which would result in like $ 150,000 - $ 200,000 in medical bills. And then we'd really be kicking ourselves for having been worried about saving $ 8,200!

I had a consult with my Dr. yesterday to discuss my protocol for this cycle. Last time I was on the same 300 iu follistim for 2 days then down to 225 iu follistim that I had been on for the 2 cycles prior. But last time, I didn't respond to that dose for some reason. I don't know if it was due to increased age (it was 7 or 8 months since my prior fresh cycle) or just a fluke.

When I got out to Vegas after 8 nights of stims, my E2 was only at 180 as opposed to around 2000 the other times. So then, I had to be increased to 300 iu and things moved along better. I still had less eggs and embryos than prior cycles and I ended up without any normal ones.

This time, I had hoped to start at 375 and drop to 300 but the Dr. told me in an e-mail that my only choices are either starting at 375 and dropping to 225 or starting at 450 and dropping to 300. This makes no sense to me and neither of those plans seems ideal but he says these are the only options. He said that, if the higher dose is more than I need, my body will just get rid of the excess and it won't hurt egg quality. Why not just put everyone on super high doses to begin with then? I told him I'd go ahead and do the higher dose but am feeling nervous about it. I just wish my body hadn't acted so unpredictably on the past cycle. We had the protocol and dose down perfectly prior to that.

Trying to pick myself up

Ok, well the last few days have been really rough.

As usual, Kobi has been a big comfort to me. He's been by my side even more than normal. Except this morning he took it a little too far when he almost jumped on the treadmill with me. Fortunately, I was able to hit the stop button and block him just in time.

DH was really surprised by how hard I was taking the news of the failed cycle because we had known from the start that the chances of it working were slim. As I tried to explain to him, it's not so much the failed cycle as it is getting bad news yet again. And it was right on top of the news about the Vegas surrogate I hoped to work with having the match with my DH. I can only take so much. I guess part of me is always holding out hope for the kind of miracles I see happen to others. Part of me remains convinced (in spite of only evidence to the contrary) that if you persist in getting something you want in life, you'll eventually succeed.

As I mentioned in my prior post, I do have another possibility for a surrogate in Vegas. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like it may not work out either because her medical insurance
has a very clear surrogacy exclusion. And, so far, the only insurance policy we have found that would cover the maternity for a surrogate costs upward of $ 25,000. And, it would end up being several thousand even if the transfer didn't work due to the application fee and administrative fee. Add this to the $ 20,000 which gets paid to the surrogate herself, the $ 6,500 to the agency, probably $ 5,000 to the attorney for contracts, $ 2,000 to the clinic for their "surrogate coordination fee"....
It's just crazy.

Anyway, DH and I are heading out to the beach. I definitely need to get out of the house even though it's hard to motivate myself to do anything right now.

BFN

It is another BFN.

Test Day

I've been so busy dealing with the Las Vegas surrogate situation and a new twist that the whole thing took (which I'll explain shortly) that I had temporarily forgotten that my local surrogate had her beta this morning. For those of you wondering how it's possible that I could forget such a thing, the reason is that I had already written the whole thing off as a failure.

She just called me this morning and said she had her blood drawn but couldn't take waiting around all day so she was going to buy a home test and take it. I figured she'd been taking them all along and just not telling me, but she said the last one she took was at 5dp6dt when I told her not to take anymore. She asked if I wanted her to tell me what the result is or if I wanted to wait for the call from the Dr. I told her if she was taking one anyway then, of course, she might as well tell me the result. So, now I sit here waiting.....of course, thinking maybe there is a small glimmer of hope since the last test she took might have been a day too early. I truly hate hope and wish I could just forever banish it from my emotions.

So, while I sit here waiting for her to call me, I'll explain what is going on with the Las Vegas surrogacy situation. Bear with me because this is confusing.

Back when I had started corresponding with the Las Vegas surrogate, there was also another surrogate out in Las Vegas I had started exchanging e-mails with. She was already potentially matched through an agency with a couple in England and just waiting on her DQ Alpha result.

The couple was working with the same clinic and Dr. I go to and they were using his daughter's surrogacy agency (which I had also made contact with prior to ending up finding someone on my own).

This other surrogate is good friends with the surrogate I had intended to use. So, anyway, she and I e-mailed one another over the month as we anxiously waited for test results to come in.

As it turned out, she found out she had a match with the intended father in England so couldn't work with them. Then, several days later, I found out her friend had the match with my DH (I know....again it makes you really wonder about the "10 percent" chance of a match).

Even though the obvious thought in both our minds was that maybe she and I could work together, both of us were hesitant to even go there because her friend (my former potential surrogate) was really upset that she had ended up matching with my DH. She had tried to get me to consider transferring to her despite the match. She knows it's a rather controversial issue and that a lot of Dr.'s don't buy into it.

The other surrogate and I decided just to get her DQ Alpha results for the sake of comparison with my DH's. We figured that, if she matched, the possibility of working together wouldn't be an option anyway. She was having some difficulty getting her results from the agency and kept having to remind the lady there to send them to her. Last night, when she asked for the 3rd time, the lady questioned why she was so anxious to have them and she said that she just wanted them for her medical records.

Now, when I had discovered my other surrogate matched, my Dr. had passed along what was going on with me to his daughter and she contacted me to say she was sorry I was still having trouble finding someone and that she could check to see if they had anyone already tested who didn't match that might be suitable. She already had DH's test results and our profile because we had been contemplating using her prior to my finding someone. The problem was agency fees for surrogacy are quite steep. We would have had to pay her $ 6,500 had she actually found me someone that I wanted to meet then another $ 6,500 if we moved ahead with things. This doesn't include attorney fees or any other surrogacy costs. It's strictly an agency fee.

And, as hard as it may be to believe, her pricing is actually on the lower end of what these agencies typically charge.

Well, last night the lady at the agency e-mailed me a profile of someone who didn't match who she thought would be perfect for us and, you guessed it. It was the lady I already know and have been communicating with for the past month. What a totally awkward situation.

The surrogate and I decided honesty was the best policy so I wrote to the agency and explained how it was that we happened to already know one another. I also told her the surrogate hadn't told her the truth about why she was looking for her test result because it was far from certain that we would work with one another and she hadn't wanted her to think she had been purposely trying to find a couple on her own. It was just a strange turn of events which resulted in this whole situation.

Fortunately, the lady at the agency was very understanding about the whole thing. She said she was just happy I might have found someone and her main concern had been that the surrogate was trying to match herself with someone else and that she would have shown her profile to me only to have me be disappointed that she wasn't available. So, in that regard, she said she was actually relieved that it was me the surrogate had been in communication with.

She said that if we wanted her to handle our case from this point to the birth (so less the matching part), it would be half the agency fee so $ 6,500. I need to give that more thought since all they'd be doing for us is managing the escrow account and referring us to attorneys and an insurance provider. My concern is what if the transfer doesn't even work? Then we've paid all that money for them to basically make one payment and give us a few referrals.

Now, all this having been said, I really don't know if this surrogate is right for us or not. She's only 23 which is a lot younger than the person I had hoped to find. She's been married for 5 years and has a 3 year old. Apparently, she doesn't want more children. She's also never done this before whereas I had ideally hoped to find someone who had. And her insurance doesn't cover surrogacy pregnancies so getting her insurance that would could add up to a substantial additional cost. I need to investigate that further. In addition, it is rather an uncomfortable situation due to her being friends with the other surrogate who is still harboring some hope that maybe I'll change my mind and use her despite the matching issue.

On the positive side of things, she does seem mature for her age and I know she's spent a lot of times on surrogacy message boards and is friends with women who are surrogates. So, she has done her research and seems fully aware of what this would involve.

Ok, still no call from my other surrogate which probably means she's too upset to call me. I'm sure that, if it had been anything less than a BFN, she would have been on the phone within a minute of taking the test.

They match

If anyone has been reading for awhile, you might think this is a repeat of my April 24 post titled "They Match".  Not exactly.  Basically, I seem to have this problem where, not only do I keep getting bad news in this infertility struggle, but I seem to get the same bad news over and over and over again.  Ever see the movie "Groundhog Day?"  Well, I identify with it way too much.

 

Anyway, yesterday I found out that the Surrogate out in Las Vegas that I had been hoping to use also has the DQ Alpha/HLA matches with my DH.  This is after a month of getting to know her and both getting excited about the prospect of her doing a transfer for us in July.  The day before yesterday, she told me she was feeling really nervous about the test results (which we've been waiting a month for) and I told her I was sure there would be no match and that there was no way I could have that degree of bad luck.  She said she admired my positive attitude after everything I've been through.  Well, Ms. Positive Attitude has now fled from the premises and I can only hope she's not dumb enough to return.

I wrote to my Dr. and expressed my extreme frustration with the fact that I've now tested 2 surrogates (at $ 700 per test which is, of course, small change to my Dr. but not to me) and that both of them have not only matched with my DH but they have had mostly the exact same numbers that match with him.  That means they match with one another too.  

And the surrogate in Las Vegas checked with a close friend who is also a surrogate and had this testing done at one point and guess what?  She also matches with my DH!  So, basically, it seems like I may be the only female in the world who doesn't match with him (and you all know what great success we've had having children).  Yet, my Dr. insists that the incidence of this matching is only 10% and I just happen to be coming across the 10%.   Got to love those low percentage numbers for bad things when it comes to infertility.  I'm clearly drawn to them like a fly to light.

He told me I just need to be more persistent  Hello???  I'm headed into my 8th fresh IVF cycle, have done 2 transfers to a surrogate and 8 to myself.  Does it seem like I'm lacking in @#&@!# persistence?  

Oh yeah, to top off the lovely week I'm having, I get to look forward to the BFN call I'll get tomorrow from the local clinic.  Plus, my Dr. didn't increase my dose enough for my next cycle so now I have to debate that with him.

The only bright spot of my week was that I actually had a few readers and comments yesterday (thank you).  

   

  

 

      

Feeling Down

My surrogate took another hpt this morning and it was negative.  It's now 6dp6dt.  Again, it's not like I had any expectation of it working.  I guess I should just consider myself fortunate that it flat out didn't work instead of being a miscarriage again.

The DQ Alpha results were supposed to be back today on my potential surrogate out in Vegas but, apparently, they aren't in.  The nurse said she should have them for me tomorrow.

When my DH noticed I was stressed out today, he asked "This isn't something we need to worry about, right?  Wouldn't it be extremely rare for 2 surrogates to come back with a match?"  I just told him he knows what our luck is like when it comes to all of this.  At this point, I feel like anything is possible.....except for success of course.

5dp6dt and BFN

My surrogate called me yesterday morning to tell me she took a HPT and it was negative. I told her it was still too early, blah, blah, blah.....
I asked her not to even test again until Wed. or Thurs.

Meanwhile, I know it's really not too early. The test she took claims to pick up something like 83% of pregnancies at 11 DPO. I can't say the BFN comes as a surprise to me, but it does make me really concerned because that means, out of all the embryos we had from that cycle we did (when I was 2 years younger) none of the embryos were normal. I guess I could make the case that maybe one of the 3 that were transferred to me on the fresh cycle were normal but, if I have an implantation/carrier problem, then we failed anyway. I don't think I believe that though. If there had been a normal one in there, it seems like I at least would have had a chemical pregnancy. The other 5 blasts were transferred to my surrogate between these 2 transfers. Last cycle she got pregnant but miscarried as the embryo turned out to be abnormal. This time, it looks like she won't get pregnant at all.

What was it about my first 2 cycles in Vegas that allowed me to have normal embryos? It seems those were the only 2 attempts I have actually had a few normal ones. Of course, I have no way of knowing if they were all really normal. Some might have fallen into the 20% that test normal but are actually abnormal. I do know, without doubt, that the one I got pregnant with yet miscarried was truly normal since the testing from the D&C reconfirmed it. Yet, maybe that was the only normal embryo we've ever really had......in which case the odds of getting another would be extremely slim.

While I didn't expect anything more than a negative result for this transfer, the whole thing is just making me feel very pessimistic about another cycle accomplishing anything. I can't see this ever working for us and am starting to feel like all I'm really doing is buying time because DH and I can't seem to agree on what we'd do if this doesn't work.

What have I done?

I paid the deposit for the July IVF cycle yesterday because I was sick of being on the fence. I took my first bcp last night. Now the realization is hitting me that I am actually doing this again.
Some of my friends think I'm crazy at this point.

This will be our 6th time traveling out to Vegas since Jan. '07.

The first try there (and my 5th fresh cycle) was in Jan. '07 and, since we were doing staggered IVF with the CGH testing, we had to freeze the embryos. I went back for the ET in March '07 which was as soon as I possibly could. That was the cycle I was pregnant up to 8.5 weeks. I had the D&C in early May '07.

I then did another fresh cycle in July '07. Again, that was as soon as I could realistically cycle again. We froze the embryos while waiting for test results. I went back in Oct. '07 (the earliest Dr. S. was in Vegas again and the earliest I could have done it based on when I got the results) for the ET of one of my two tested embryos. That cycle was a chemical pregnancy.

At that point, I truly thought I was done with fresh cycles. We had a FET using a surrogate for the first time in Nov. '07 with some embryos frozen at my old local clinic from a 2006 cycle. We transferred 3 blasts to her and she became pregnant with a singleton. Things looked good at first, but her 9 week u/s showed the h/b and growth had stopped. Her D&C was in late December '07. The embryo was abnormal.

I knew I couldn't let everything ride on the one tested embryo we had left in Vegas. I couldn't get in to do another fresh cycle until March '08 though. That was my most recent cycle where we had 5 blasts but none tested normal.

So, now here we are in May '08 and it's amazing to me how much effort I've put into this since we first decided to cycle out of state yet we still have nothing to show for it. Reflecting on this makes me wonder why am I doing another cycle. What do I expect to be different?

If something actually works for us, of course I'll say it was all worth it. If none of this works, it would be a very bitter pill to swallow that I've spent so many years of my life going from cycle to cycle to the exclusion of everything else and probably at least $ 150,000 (which is not a small amount to us). It would be so hard to take that it was all for nothing; that we still don't have the child we longed for. I am deathly afraid of having to face that realization so I guess maybe this "last" cycle is just buying myself some time.

Transfer

None of the Day 2 embryos made the thaw. This did not come as a huge surprise. Of the 6 that we had, three were 2 cells and three were 3 cells. At best, I thought maybe one might pull though but no luck.

So, the Dr. thawed our 2 Day 6 blasts and transferred those. He spoke with us before the transfer to let us know what we were transferring, but I didn't see him afterwards and my surrogate said he didn't say anything after having done the transfer about how it went.

I know he had a conference to go to which is why we had to do the transfer so early in the morning. He also hadn't said anything about the quality of the blasts and, normally, I would have asked but I just didn't feel like bothering. I figured that, if they were great looking, he would have said so. The fact that he said nothing indicates to me that they probably didn't look too hot. My surrogate's husband was standing there with us when we were talking to the Dr. and I knew he would tell her if the Dr. said the blasts didn't look so good. And, I'd rather she at least have hope this will work so that's she's careful about what she's doing over the wait.

Even if the transfer itself went smoothly, our chances with 2 Day 6 blasts are pathetically low.

Again, I'm not feeling upset or anything because I have no anticipation of this working anyway. We did it mainly because we have to use our remaining embryos. Even a 1% chance is better than nothing. At least we have now used up all of our embryos at the local clinic.

On the way home, DH and I stopped at the outlet center and he bought me some cute stuff. If a pregnancy doesn't result from this trip at least I have a couple new handbags and some new clothes to show for our drive over there (my lame attempt to look at the bright side).

Fresh cycle in July

Well, DH and I have discussed things and it looks like I'll be doing fresh cycle 8 in July.  This WILL be my last no matter what happens.  Fortunately, my mom thinks she can fly down here to take care of Kobi and Sasha again while we're away.  This will be the 4th time she's done this for us and I'm so grateful to her.  I could never bring myself to board them somewhere and I've had pet-sitters come in twice a day but just end up worrying about Kobi the entire time we're away.   Speaking of Kobi, I ended up canceling his vet appt. as he hasn't thrown up once since I made it.   I still need to bring him in for routine bloodwork but figured I would hold off a little longer on that.

My surrogate has her transfer tomorrow morning.  It's funny how, in the past, I would have been calling the clinic asking how many embryos had made it to today.  The thought didn't even cross my mind until now and the clinic is closed.  I actually don't even feel like I want to know right at the moment.  The odds of this working are are probably only a few percent at best even if we do end up with a decent number to transfer.

AF finally showed up for me today after a 52 day cycle so I'll be starting bcp's (ugh...hate those things) in preparation for July.  I'm just praying this cycle goes better than the last time around.  

 

Lining Check Appt.

Well, we did get the medication issue worked out after a lot of stress and phone calls. When I called our nurse Wed. morning, she was with patients and I got her voice mail. I knew it could be hours before she would check her messages and call me back. So, I called the other branch of the clinic (where the nurse actually answers the phone) and begged her to call in the prescriptions because the only way my surrogate could get the medications before the pharmacy closed was to have her husband pick them up on his lunch break. This nurse did it for me ASAP and the pharmacy was great about filling everything quickly so it was ready to go. If this doesn't sound like it was particularly stressful, just trust me when I say this is the abbreviated version of events.

My surrogate had her lining check appt. this morning. It was 16mm. That's always amazing to me as someone who typically had a lining of 7mm and barely would make it to 9mm using viagra.

Other than that, not much is going on. I'm worried about Kobi. He's been vomiting up the wet food I give him in the mornings about 50% of the time over the last few months but has been keeping his dry food at night done so I hadn't been too concerned. The problem is, due to his kidney stones, I'm really supposed to be giving him as much wet food as possible (preferably all wet food) but anytime the poor thing eats anything approaching a decent amount of the stuff, it seems like it comes back up. I've elevated his dish and that hasn't helped.

Well, it seems like the issue is getting worse and, last night, he threw up his dry food for the first time. Then, he threw up his wet food again this morning. He seems fine otherwise and is lying on his back on my lap right now purring. I hate bringing him into the vet's as he gets extremely scared.....to the point where he starts shedding huge amounts of fur and his heart rate speeds out of control. Given that he has early heart disease, I try to avoid stressing him whenever I can. I don't see what choice I have though? I've scoured the internet for articles about what would cause vomiting in cats and nothing really seems to fit. Personally, I don't have much confidence in the vet figuring it out either. He hasn't had bloodwork done for a year now though so I know he is due to go in for that anyway. I think part of the issue might be this stupid food I'm feeing him but I have limited options for diets that are designed to prevent stone formation. He doesn't like any of the others (and those all have terrible ingredients in them as well).

Forgetfulness

I have so little hope for this upcoming transfer at the local clinic that I keep forgetting my surrogate is even preparing for it.

That caught up with me today when my surrogate called to tell me she got forms from the clinic in the mail to sign and wanted to know if she could just bring them with her to sign there. Suddenly, I remembered that my DH and I usually sign consent forms before they thaw the embryos and I hadn't received anything. Since they are only Day 2 embryos, they'll need to start thawing several days in advance.

So, I called the nurse there and, sure enough, they need us to sign consent forms and have them notarized and we need to get them back to her ASAP. She faxed them over to me.

Then, this evening my surrogate called me again and asked shouldn't she have progesterone since she needs to start it Thursday night after the lining check? Then, I realized we had never gotten a prescription from the nurse for the progesterone for her. She had leftover patches from last time so we got started with those then everyone forgot about the progesterone. She doesn't even have the lining check at the clinic where the transfer is being done. It's too far away so she's getting it done locally and they can't help.

This is so unlike me. I'm usually so on top of this kind of thing. Normally, this wouldn't be a huge dilemma because I could call my clinic tomorrow and have them send a prescription to an overnight pharmacy for delivery to her on Thursday. The problem is my surrogate works all day Thursday and no one will be home to sign for it. Everyone she knows is unavailable Thurs. as well. I live 2 hours away from her. I called a mail order pharmacy and they said that, no, progesterone shouldn't be sitting out in 80 degree heat for several hours so waiving the signature isn't an option. I need to find a pharmacy local to her that carries it but, of course, by the time we realized there was a problem all of the specialty pharmacies I tried calling had closed.

Hopefully, I can get this resolved tomorrow. I'm feeling really bad because my apathy is resulting in extra headaches for my surrogate. It's not just with the transfer. It's with everything lately. I forgot to pay a bill on time for the first time in I don't know how long. Our house is a disorganized mess. DH keeps trying to pack for trips and doesn't have clean laundry. The thing is it's not like I'm lying around in bed all day. It seems like I'm constantly doing something, but I'm just so unfocused and distracted lately that everything I do seems to take me twice as long. It's like I'm a hamster running around a wheel expending a ton of energy but not getting anything useful done. I don't know what is wrong with me.

M-Day Weekend

I don't even feel like writing out the whole word. I had to pick out gifts for MIL, my mother and stepmother this week. Every time I go in the grocery store, I see all the flowers and balloons. My e-mail in box is full of M-Day sales notices. For me, it's just yet another holiday that I have to watch pass by from the sidelines.

My mood has been going progressively downhill all week and I have to think this has something to do with it. It isn't helped by the fact that I'm on cycle day 42 (no, I'm definitely not) and have been having PMS for about 2 weeks now. I've been on the pill so much lately in preparation for cycles that I had forgotten that going back to my long, unpredictable cycles which seem to be even more messed up after all the IVF's is not much better than dealing with the pill. I feel really good for about two weeks then PMS kicks in and that lasts for the 5 or 6 weeks it then takes for AF to show up.

I did decide to just not worry about the whole issue of my potential surrogate's husband. For one, I truly like her and can tell she wants to make this work for us. I do feel like I can trust her. I'm also going to go out on a limb and give her husband the benefit of the doubt. She's been married to him for a very long time so surely he has some good qualities. Maybe he was just nervous or uncomfortable with the whole situation. And, even if not, it just seems like he's not going to be playing much of a role in this process. As long as he's supportive of her (which I assume he is since she's done this 4 times prior), that's really all that matters....right?

Dilemma

My DH is out in Vegas this week for work so we arranged for him to meet the potential surrogate there. She brought her husband along.

I was kind of anxious yesterday about how it would go. Due to the time difference, I never got to talk with my DH last night when he got home. I did get an e-mail from her saying that things went well and that they were all very comfortable around each other.

This morning my DH called to tell me how things went. I could tell by his tone that it was not going to be a rave review. He said she was very nice. Actually, if he had just met with her, he probably would have been very positive.

He felt uncomfortable around her husband though. He couldn't quite articulate it but he said there was just something strange about him. He also said he was childish acting (he's 41). He made one comment in particular that really stood out to my DH as being completely inappropriate. Apparently, the potential surrogate said something about how her husband has been good to put up with all of her hormonal mood swings throughout all of these pregnancies and her husband said "Well, I get something out of it because she usually needs a lot of extra attention about halfway through." She tried to deflect what he was saying and said "yeah, I ask for a lot of foot massages, etc." and he didn't get the hint and said "Not that kind of attention; you know what I mean". Well, needless to say, even though we don't exactly expect whoever does this for us to remain abstinent for 9 months, the image of the couple who is carrying our child having sex is not exactly one that we want planted into our heads. So, anyway, my husband just found that highly inappropriate.

I guess we were lucky with my other surrogate because we both found her husband to be very respectful and polite and he acted appropriately in various social situations. He was a gentleman and we liked him. That doesn't seem like it will be the case with what we are getting into.

So, I guess the big question is, does it matter? I did question my DH further and asked who seemed to be the boss in the relationship and he said that she did and that he basically acted more like a child. He said the one positive thing he could find to say was that they did seem to be affectionate towards one another. They have been married for 19 years so wouldn't that at least indicate some level of stability?

I'm thinking that this would only be a major issue if we lived close by and were having more interaction with him. Just given the distance factor, I just don't see us really having too much involvement with him. It seems like the most important thing would be my relationship with her and the two of us seem to get along very well. I do like her. Is that good enough for this to work? I know she would like to have some sort of continued relationship after a pregnancy. I mean it's not like she's demanding it, but I can tell from how she's talked about her experiences with past couples that she would hope for that. I figure that, if I become friends with whoever is my GS, of course I would send occasional e-mails, pictures and stay in touch. My DH commented that her DH being so unpleasant to be around would make a continued relationship more unlikely. But, again, with the distance factor I'm not seeing it being that big an issue. I have plenty of friends whose husbands I don't really have any interaction with because occasions just don't come up where I'm around them....especially those that live any distance away.

Any opinions? I'm really struggling with this.

My DH did say maybe her husband was just uncomfortable with or intimidated by the situation and that accounted for some of his behavior. I could tell he knew I was disappointed and he was trying his best to give him the benefit of the doubt.

We've already had her do the DQ alpha testing and are just waiting on the results. They said we should have them back by the 27th.

I think I've found her

Well, I think I have my perfect surrogate for our embryos in Vegas.  The lady who I wrote about in my prior post and I have now exchanged many e-mails and pictures.  She really seems like the right one to do this for DH and I and she said she feels like we are the IP's she's been waiting for.    It's the same situation as with my last surrogate where I feel like she is someone I could be friends with.  That's the kind of relationship I'd ideally like to have with the person who might possibly be carrying our child.  I'd like for it to be more than just a business transaction.    I know there are some IP's and surrogates out there who do operate under those terms and who actually prefer it that way.  That's just not something I'm very comfortable with.  

We'll be talking on the phone today and my husband will be out in Vegas for work next week so they will try to get together for a cup of coffee.

We will still have to get the DQ Alpha matching test run on her before we can proceed with having a contract done or anything else.  At best, I would think we're looking at a July transfer. It will more likely be August but we're aiming for July.

Now the question is should I do another fresh cycle and, if so, when?  The earliest I could even do a fresh cycle would be July so I'm thinking it makes more sense to have the transfer done in Vegas and see what results then do another cycle if necessary.   Yet, the issue there is my Dr. only has upcoming cycles in July, Aug, and Oct.   So, if the transfer failed and I wanted to do another cycle, by that point in time I wouldn't be able to do it until Oct.; 1 month away from turning 39.  Cripes, it seems like I just barely turned 38.  Where did the time go? 

I also would strongly prefer to transfer 2 tested embryos to her if possible instead of just the 1 tested and 2 untested.  The thing is, based on what happened last time, there is a decent chance we wouldn't even get any normal embryos again.  And, to be honest, I'm just not feeling like I have another cycle in me right at the moment.  I still don't feel 100 percent recovered from the last one.  Yet, October is a long time to wait when egg quality is rapidly declining even further. 

I don't know what to do. :{

Making Some Progress

I feel like I've been making some progress on all fronts.

1.) I had the consult with my Dr.

He did not see a need for a repeat Day 3 FSH/LH test. He said he would increase my medications were I to try again. He admitted that, even though I had 18 eggs, that was considerably less than the previous 2 times and I also got off to a very slow start with their having to increase my medications on Day 8 when I got out there. I don't think this was ideal for egg quality.

He also said, next time, he would test the eggs instead of the embryos. He said that, 90% of the time a normal egg will go on to make a normal embryo. When he initially started doing CGH testing, he was testing the polar body of the egg, but then he switched to testing the embryo. Now he is saying that he thinks testing the egg would be better...at least in our case. He said something about it being less stress on the embryo. I'm a little confused by that and will have to ask him some more questions because I had thought it was the other way around. Unfortunately, this is the problem with taking advantage of new technology. Things are in a state of constant change as the more cycles and testing they do, the more things they discover and that leads to modifications. At my age though, I really don't have the luxury of waiting several years until they know everything there is to know.

Anyway, that was some information that I got out of the phone consult.

2.) I have everything in place now for my current surrogate to go ahead with the transfer of

our embryos at the local clinic in May and the ET will be the week of May 19.

I'm really feeling bad though because she is very hopeful of having it work and I'm just not feeling any optimism. This will be the 3rd transfer from that batch of embryos and we used all the best ones first so are kind of down to the last resort embryos. There are 2 blasts frozen but they are Day 6 and I'm not even sure what the quality is.

3.) I talked with a surrogacy agency yesterday, filled out a long profile for them and faxed over my DH's DQ Alpha results. I've also been making contact with independent surrogates.

The lady who runs the agency works frequently with my Dr.'s patients (she's actually his daughter) so some of her surrogates have already had the testing done. She was going to check to see if there were any surrogates that met our other qualifications that didn't have the match and will send me some profiles. She was nice enough to do this for me before I commit to anything. I'd only have to send in the first half of the fee if there is a surrogate I like and want to exchange information with. The problem here is the agency fee is $ 13,000 and, from my research, it's standard for these agencies to charge anywhere from $ 12,000 to $ 18,000. That's another fresh cycle!

This fee includes matching, scheduling travel arrangements for the surrogate if needed, managing the escrow account and acting as a liason throughout the process. This does not include any of the actual compensation for the surrogate or the attorney's fees to do the contract. Last time I found my own surrogate so, other than her compensation, we only had to pay an attorney $ 1,500 for the contract (we used the same one my surrogate had with her previous couple so the attorney charged $ 1,000 less than normal) and $ 1,000 to manage the escrow account.

The good news is I've been connecting with surrogates on a message board and have been e-mailing back and forth with one in particular who seems like she might be perfect. She actually lives out in Vegas and has done this 4 times (couldn't ask for more experience than that). She is also 38, is married and has two older teenage children and 2 cats. She seems really sweet. So, perhaps something will come of this. Although, it seems too good to be true that I would find the right person that quickly!

I'm just not convinced the agency can do anything for me that I can't do on my own. I have the time and plenty of experience coordinating all of this stuff at this point.

So, that's where things are at right now. I never thought I would have the energy to pick myself back up and do all of this stuff but, day by day, I am somehow getting it done. And, honestly, I have to admit enjoying exchanging e-mails with women on the surrogacy board. These are women who have some amazing stories to tell. It's pretty evident that, while many of them can use the money, it's not their primary motivation for doing it at all. They really enjoy developing a relationship with the IP's (Intended Parents) and being able to help them bring their child into the world.

Phone consult with Dr.

Yes, I changed the color of my blog. I do love pink and will confess to having a pink cell phone, pink Nintendo DS (What can I say? I like playing word and puzzle games on it), and a fair amount of pink clothes. I decided my blog doesn't need to be pink too though....especially not nauseating hot pink.

I'm sitting hear waiting for my Dr. from the Vegas office to call me for a consultation. I have a huge list of questions typed up to ask him. I've yet to have a consult with any RE that has actually proved very useful so I'm not expecting much. I really feel a need for some answers, but I don't think anyone has them.

I guess what I'm hoping is that he'll give me some indication of whether another cycle might yield better results than last time.

Is there anything we could do differently?

Should we test both the eggs and the embryo to try to determine if it's mainly an egg or sperm issue at this point? If we found out, for example, that I didn't have any normal eggs on a next cycle then I think donor eggs would be indicated. If I had several normal eggs but they became abnormal embryos, then maybe the Dr. would suggest donor sperm.

Of course, all of this would involve more cycles and more money. I'm just not sure if we could even swing it. Ideally, I'd like to transfer the embryos we already have there to a surrogate first. Yet, I don't know how long it will take me to find one and complete the whole process again. One agency I called to ask some questions yesterday told me it would likely be 3 to 6 months just to match me with someone. Factor in at least another month (probably more like 2 or 3) for psychological testing, the DQ alpha testing, negotiating a contract and then having to wait for her cycle to start bcp's. At 38, I don't feel like I have much time to be sitting around doing nothing.

A plan is forming...

I can't say it's a good plan, but it's the best I can come up with under duress.

Yesterday, I spoke with a Dr. at the local clinic DH and I got treatment at prior to the one we're at now. He's actually the one who did the last transfer to my GS. We do still have some embryos frozen there. I haven't said much about them because they are untested. And, out of the 3 blasts transferred to me from that batch back when I did the fresh cycle and 3 blasts transferred to my GS back in Nov., we only had the one pregnancy which she miscarried due to an abnormal embryo. So, I'm far from optimistic for the remaining embryos. We have 2 Day 6 blasts, 3 Day 2 two cells and 3 Day 2 three cells. At best, I'm thinking 1 of the Day 2's may make it to blast and we'd be able to transfer 3 (assuming both blasts even survive).

Anyway, the Dr. there said DQ Alpha/HLA matching was something that was a popular topic of interest with a group of Dr.'s back in the 90's. However, no good research ever came out to prove it has an effect. He did a search for me of current research but did not find anything. He said some Dr.'s rely on their own anecdotal experiences with their patients to support their theories. He doesn't feel it's an issue and they don't even test for it (which seems to be the case with most clinics). However, I did go to the Las Vegas clinic because they deal with more difficult cases so it's reasonable to believe there are more obscure issues behind the failures. I'm not sure what to think at this point. I do feel comfortable with just going ahead and transferring the remaining embryos at the local clinic to my current GS. She is geared up to do a transfer. We do have to use those embryos at some point. And, granted, I suppose there is a tiny chance one normal one might sitting there in the few we haven't used yet. And, despite what the other Dr. said, I'm still quite convinced that she has a better chance for a good outcome than I do. Nonetheless, we're all setting our expectations even lower than very low for this one. Since she was on bcp's, we're just converting her over to this clinic's protocol and should be able to have a transfer around the same time in May as we were expecting to at the other clinic.

The other part of my plan is still the same. I'm still searching for a new GS for the embryos at the Las Vegas clinic. I really do not want to resort to using an agency (and the extra $ 13,000-$15,000 fee they charge) but may have to since I'm not having any luck finding someone on my own so far.

DH and I still haven't decided about doing an 8th fresh cycle. I feel like, if we're going to such a huge expense to get another surrogate, isn't it kind of silly not to do more than one transfer if one doesn't work? Usually, contracts cover up to 3 transfers. Then again, doing another cycle would also cost a lot of money and, after last time, I'm not feeling very optimistic we would get anything out of it.

Meanwhile, after completion of our last fresh cycle (which we thought was our last), DH has reverted back to his bad habits (well, bad for sperm anyway) of having a few beers after work, taking scalding hot baths and not taking any of his antioxidants. I feel like that puts us at least 3 months away from another cycle as it is. He told me to let him know if we're doing another cycle so he can go back to his "Quaker lifestyle". I really can't decide what to do. :{

What now?

I've spent most of the last 24 hours struggling to figure out what to do next. Over the last year, a large pile of books on different topics has gradually accumulated on the floor near my side of the bed; books about surrogacy, adoption, egg donors, and remaining childless. On top of them all is a "chick lit" book to conceal them from DH (so he doesn't realize the level of insanity his wife has reached).

Anyway, I was rereading bits of all of them last night struggling to find an answer but not coming up with any clear cut path. At the moment my mind is a jumbled mess of options and I find myself considering moving forward with adoption, using a surrogate, doing another fresh cycle and possibly using half donor sperm, and doing an egg donor cycle all at the same time. Yeah, I know. Even if we did have the unlimited money this would cost, it's probably not a great idea. I'm just feeling so desperate right now.

I guess part of the issue is that there are some serious issues for us with any of the alternative options.

When it comes to adoption, we are just not comfortable with open adoption, which seems to be rather prevalent these days. I am also worried that our being Jewish might work against us when it comes to being chosen by birthparents. Ironically, I was raised as a Roman Catholic but converted to Judaism before DH and I married. Part of the reason was to be able to raise our children not feeling confused about religion yet, when it comes to adoption, our odds of getting a child may have been better if at least one of us was Roman Catholic. I sometimes regret converting for other reasons. I have great respect for Judaism and felt very strongly about converting at the time. Maybe the issue is just that I haven't taken any effort to participate in the customs or holidays, but it's hard when DH doesn't. I know we would both make the effort if we had children. Anyway, I'm getting into a whole different topic here.

Back to adoption... In all honesty, I also have to admit that adopting a child just seems like such a huge leap of faith to me. I worry about whether I'd be able to bond with the child. Would it feel like having a stranger in my home? Logically, I know from speaking to others who have adopted that it can be a great way to build a family and I'd feel like the children were truly mine. They would be mine. I love my cat like my own child so is it really that big a stretch to believe I'd love a child like my own child? That leads me into the positive aspects of adoption. We would get a child. It might be a very long wait but, if we were persistent, it would happen. I can't say the same about any of the other options. I also feel like adoption is something I could be proud of. We would be doing something altruistic by giving a child a great home and parents. Both of our families are fully supportive of it.

When it comes to egg donation, the first problem is that we aren't certain egg quality is our issue. And, if it is, we don't know if that's our only issue. Would we need an egg donor and a surrogate? If so, then we negate what many regard as a big positive factor with egg donation; being able to carry the child.

When I first started thinking about egg donation, the imbalance it might create in our marriage was a big concern to me. I've been able to convince myself that wouldn't be a problem and, sure, if there is some way at least one of us can have a genetic connection that would be great. It would somewhat ease my fears about the baby feeling like a stranger if I knew there was part of DH in there.

Another issue, though, is we would not be able to tell anyone. DH's mother would be the only one who would know (and, even then, only because we would need his parents help financially if we went that route... especially if we used a surrogate as well ). I wouldn't want to live my whole life putting up with stupid comments or subjecting the child to them. I don't like the feeling of having to keep secrets. I know that many who decide not to tell say it is really no one else's business (except for perhaps the child's) how they conceived. I would just feel a little strange about my parents thinking there was some sort of genetic link between them and the child when, in fact, there wasn't? So, there are definitely some issues here. And, of course, one big issue is that there is no guarantee donor eggs would work for us.

Then we have the option of trying donor sperm. Again, we have no clear cut need for donor sperm in light of ICSI being available. According to many Dr.'s, a sperm can be completely terrible in terms of quality yet still do it's job properly once they have injected it into the egg.

My DH is also not very receptive to this idea. He would do it if a Dr. were to tell him that he was 100 percent certain his sperm were the issue behind our very low percentage of normal embryos but has a problem doing it just as a part of trial and error to see what might work for us. Using donor sperm would also mean my doing another IVF cycle.....and I don't think we'd be willing to try that until we did one more cycle first with our own eggs and sperm to see if not having any normal embryos last time was just an aberration. So, that would bring me up to Fresh Cycle 9. I don't know if I have that in me, mentally or physically not to mention the financial impact it would have on us.

The only conclusion I've managed to reach for now is that I will try to search for a new surrogate for the embryos in Las Vegas. Meanwhile, I'm sure I'll spend everyday thinking about all of the above.

They match

The title pretty much says it all. I got the result today and my surrogate and DH have the DQ/HLA match.

My Dr. said he strongly advises against my using her. I even asked him if the choice came down to transferring to myself or to this surrogate, what would he advise and he said definitely transferring them to me. To put this in perspective, I had 16 embryos (all were Day 5 or 6 except 3 which were Day 3) transferred to myself with only one chemical pregnancy before switching to his clinic. I then had two transfers of embryos that were tested to be free of abnormalities and, after 2 normal ones were transferred, I became pregnant with a singleton and miscarried at around 8 1/2 weeks. Then, I transferred 1 tested embryo and had a short lived chemical pregnancy. So, he is saying he would rather transfer to me than to a lady who has had 5 children successfully. Needless to say, that makes me think he really believes this HLA matching issue is a very serious problem. Part of me would just like to ignore him and proceed with the transfer but then, if it didn't work, I would have it in my head that this was the reason. We went to this Dr. because he is an expert with difficult cases so it seems like it'd be foolish to then ignore his advice.

I've been crying for the last couple hours. I just don't know what to do now. I don't think transferring to myself is even an option at this point. We can't take any chances with our last embryos....especially the one that is tested. It seems so overwhelming to go all the way back to Square one with trying to find a surrogate I can trust and going through all the intial stages of getting things set up.

Meanwhile, I still have to tell my surrogate about this. She is at work right now. I'm dreading having to tell her. She has been so great and we've really become good friends throughout all of this. I felt so comfortable having her do this for us. I know she really wanted to give us our children. She knew that doing a transfer at this clinic hinged on this test result, but neither of us ever thought we'd be this unlucky.

Waiting......

I had spent so much time worrying about the CGH test results and whether they would be back in time for my surrogate to prepare for the May cycle. Of course, I got those with plenty of time to spare but am now still waiting on the DQ/HLA test results. The clinic I go to requires this test even though I'm using a surrogate since it's possible (although unlikely) that she could have a match with my husband. I won't go into explaining the whole DQ/HLA matching theory. I'm not even sure I could explain it properly. I've never spent much time researching it since my DH and I did not have the match. Suffice it to say that having a match is bad....so bad that if by some small chance my surrogate has the match with DH they will strongly advise us not to transfer to her.

My surrogate is supposed to start lupron on Sunday. The problem is the clinic won't do up her official calendar or issue her prescriptions until they have the test result back. The lab that processes the results is not a part of the clinic. They received my surrogate's blood on the 8th and told us the results would take 7-10 business days. We thought that gave us plenty of time. Then, we were informed that they don't count Fridays as business days. Even so, I figured we would be okay since yesterday was Day 10 according to the lab's business days. When we hadn't heard anything, I asked my nurse to call them. She did so and was told to call back Friday by 2:00. This is a big problem. Friday afternoon there is 3 hours later here and I don't think we could have a pharmacy ship out meds. for Saturday receipt so late in the day. My nurse said if I wanted to try contact the lab myself to explain the situation and see if they'd have some sympathy to go ahead. She said they didn't have any for her.

So, even though I was feeling quite angry with the lab since they promised results by the 10th business day (which according to their calendar was already a ridiculously long time) yet were now telling us we couldn't have them until the 12th business day, I forced myself to take a few deep breaths and pick up the phone. I knew I probably wouldn't get far if I called them and was accusatory. I just got an answering machine so I sent over a fax explaining how important getting this result on Thursday was to us. I called about an hour later and spoke with someone who said she received it and had brought it to the attention of the Dr. but that he was still "calibrating the result and it was not even in the system yet." I'm not sure exactly what that means but it didn't sound good. I told her I was about ready to have a nervous breakdown not knowing if we'd have the result in time or not and could she please give me a call if she found out. I didn't receive a call back yesterday.

Postponing the cycle isn't even an option as my surrogate has already requested specific days off from work (she had to tell them last week before they did the schedule for next month). Her supervisor gave her a hard time so she had to go to the person above her to get approval. There is just no way she could get things changed around now without losing her job.

So, either I get this result or I no longer have a surrogate. Of course, I'm also worried about the possibility that she will have a match with my DH in which case I also no longer have a surrogate.

It's going to be a long day.

Hanging on by a thread

I was having an okay day yesterday.  I even summoned up the motivation to find a new recipe to try,  went shopping for all the ingredients and somehow made it in and out of the grocery store only seeing one child and, to make things even better, it was a screaming child. 

DH had band practice during the afternoon so I played some music and got some things done around the house.  I was feeling very focused and energetic for the first time in many weeks.

 Then, around 7:00, just as I was in the midst of cooking dinner and expecting DH to get home any minute, DH's brother called.  The last time he had called us was right after his first child was born.  Since I knew my SIL was expecting soon, it wasn't very difficult to figure out why he was calling.  I had answered the phone only because the number that came up on the caller ID was my MIL's number.  I was caught off guard hearing my BIL.  He basically just said he hadn't talked to me in a long time, asked how I was doing (to which I replied the most convincing "good!" that I could summon up) and then asked if my DH could call him back when he got home.  I could tell by his voice that he could barely contain his excitement.  I said "sure" and got off the phone as fast as I possibly could; partly because I really did not want to hear the details, but also because I had my new recipe on the stove getting overcooked.     

 

When DH got home and I told him his brother had called, he seemed surprised and was like "why is he calling me?"  I told him what my guess was and he sighed and went in the office to call him and get it over with.  When he came out (which was about 2 minutes later), I could tell how agitated he was.  He said that his brother started off the conversation the same way as last time saying "I know this is hard for you, but...."     DH remarked that if he knew it was hard for him, why did he have to call us ASAP after his wife gave birth every time... particularly in light of the fact that we never hear from him otherwise?!  It's not like he has ever called to offer his condolences or support after one of my miscarriages or our failed cycles (which he knows about through MIL).   In fact, I had asked MIL to just let me know whenever SIL had the baby so we could send a gift.  I had also wanted to spare my DH the dreaded phone call.  Anyway, the result of his call was that we both had a crappy night and were unable to sleep.  I finally gave in to taking xanax at 2 AM.  At that point, DH was still up.

It's not even that we begrudge them.  It has little to do with them.  It's just that getting news like that reminds us that here they are effortlessly with a 2nd child (after getting married 3 years later than us) when we have been going through hell just trying to have a first with no success.  After the call, I had that desperate time-is-running-out, anxious feeling that just would not go away and has carried over into today.  And any small amount of hope I was feeling about the upcoming transfer to my surrogate has faded to practically nothing.  Instead, all I can focus on is the familiar feeling of being disappointed.

I am also feeling annoyed with MIL.  For all the help and support she has tried in her own way to give us, I am often reminded of how little she really understands what we are going through.  Even so recently as last week, she had been trying to convince me to reconsider and for us to visit them for Passover.  I held my ground and said I did not think it was a good idea with SIL so close to giving birth.  She said "oh, it won't be a problem."  Yes, for everyone else, I'm sure it would not have been a problem.  The point is that it would have been a big one for my DH and I. Her due date was the 29th but I knew my luck.  I knew it would happen when we were there and it turns out I would have been precisely right.  I don't even think I could have handled being around her when she was that far along anyway.  Had my surrogate not miscarried on the last cycle, she would have given birth in July.  It's just too hard not to think of things like that.

I'm annoyed with myself that one little phone call has the power to completely disrupt my fragile world.  I hate feeling like this and just wonder if it will always be like this if things don't work out for us or does it get easier to take with time.

  

 

      

 

Anniversary

Today is DH's and my 8th anniversary. We'll be going out for dinner tonight and I'm trying to shake myself out of the lousy mood I'm in. I wish I could celebrate holidays for what they actually are without having them overshadowed by thoughts of how it's yet another anniversary or birthday or New Year's without our having a child.

We've been dealing with IVF for well over half our marriage now. I think that, for the first 2 1/2 years of our marriage, we remained blissfully unaware that we had an infertility problem. DH didn't want to start trying until after around 2 years had passed. He was still trying to get established in a career and wasn't earning enough for me to stop working. He also wanted to have a large enough house for children and we were only living in a 2 bedroom condo. at the time. My job was very stressful and involved long hours and a 2 hour commute to Manhattan by train each day. Meanwhile, I was getting very nervous about my advancing age. I had never wanted to be an older parent and had always hoped to finish completing our family by the age of 35.

I finally managed to talk DH into my at least stopping bcp's (which were also making me miserable). At first, I wasn't charting ovulation or doing anything like that. I guess we just figured it would happen before too long without any planned efforts on our part. When nothing happened after a number of months, I suspected I might not be ovulating and went to see my Gyn. I can't even remember what she did.....I think she ran some blood tests (which were all normal) and basically said keep trying and come back to see her in 6 months. During that time frame, DH got a job in FL. I left my job and we moved. We decided that I wouldn't work and we'd focus on having children, after which the plan was that I'd be a stay at home mom.

We bought a 5 bedroom house in FL. We wanted to make sure we had plenty of room for the children (yes, those were the days of optimism). I then wasted some more time with an OB. She tested my FSH and LH levels which seemed perfect. Beyond that, she didn't do much for me other than admonish me to learn to relax. I had been using an electronic fertility monitor and, even though I had long cycles, I was ovulating. We made sure we timed things perfectly based on the monitor but still no luck. I made an appointment with a RE at a fertility clinic. There were really only 2 fertility clinics within easy driving distance of our house. I picked the one that had the most attractive advertisement in the phone book. At the time I made this appointment, I had no real idea what IVF was or involved and I certainly didn't think we would be told we needed it. Amazingly, neither of the OB's I had seen previously had ever thought to mention the possibility that my DH might have an issue preventing our success. As it turned out, his count, motility, morphology, etc. were all extremely low. My Dr. at the fertility clinic told us that we would need to head straight to IVF with ICSI. Anything less would be a complete waste of time and our chances of conceiving on our own were about 1 in a million.

That was a tough blow to take. I was scared to death by the whole IVF process and it took a lot for me to commit to that first attempt. The whole thing was as bad as I had feared. Looking back, I think a lot of it was the fact that we had moved fairly recently. I hadn't made any friends yet. I didn't have any awareness of the message boards online that later became my salvation. On top of that, DH was totally submerged at work and just didn't have anything left in him to deal with me and my emotions being all over the place. I think the only thing that got me through it was the hope of it working. Since all of the testing on me had come back clear, we had been told we'd have a great chance of success.

I don't think either DH or I really thought about it not working. We were that confident.
I'm sure my expectations would have been substantially lowered had I looked up that particular clinic's success rates which were far from impressive. I honestly didn't even know or think to do such a thing at the time though. After that first cycle failed, I was so crushed and I had found the whole process so miserable, that I swore I would never do it again if our frozen transfers from the cycle didn't work. Of course, there are days now where I wish I hadn't changed my mind. I just couldn't do it though. Both DH and I wanted children badly and I didn't want to go through life wondering "what if?" What if I had just tried one more cycle? What if the clinic was the problem? I did some research and switched clinics. At this point, I've been to 3 different clinics and still don't have the answer. Does the threat of having "what if's" ever end? I still don't feel at peace with giving up.

Well, this little walk down memory lane has definitely not helped put me in a better mood!!

We have a transfer date

It looks like the transfer date will be May 21. My surrogate will need to get out there by the night of the 18th as my Dr. wants to do a 2nd lining check to make sure it looks good since she's having the original lining check done locally and he's not very trusting of other clinics measurements. She'll return home on the 23rd (after resting a full day and night in the hotel).

Her husband is going to travel out there with her. I wasn't going to go myself since it's not necessary that I be there, but have changed my mind. I decided I'll fly in the night before the transfer and leave the morning after. They do allow one person in the room with the patient during the transfer and my surrogate is fine with my going in. She actually seemed pleased that I'd want to be there. So, I'd really like to just see the embryos reach their destination on the monitor and to be able to speak first hand with my Dr. regarding how everything went. It'd just feel a little strange if the transfer was taking place on the opposite end of the U.S. and I wasn't even there. I'm not sure yet if my husband will travel there with me or not. It kind of depends on what he has going on at work and how expensive airfare is.

I've been feeling a bit of a high today after getting the exact date....the high that comes from knowing there is a transfer on the horizon. In between my imagining how I'll be one of those women who is able to claim miraculous success (and twins even!) after a gazillion failed cycles, I remember to be disgusted with myself. Haven't I been here before....way too many times? Have I learned nothing? The higher I let myself get, the further the fall (repeat to self a hundred times).

Surprise embryo

Well, today my coordinator called to tell me that we actually have 3 embryos frozen; not 2. I tried to tell her that wasn't possible. It's not like I wouldn't remember how many embryos we have frozen. There's not many to keep track of....it's a little hard to lose count of 2.

Apparently, she had looked at my chart and things just didn't add up so she researched things and talked with the lab and it turns out there was one Day 3 embryo back in my July cycle that they didn't biopsy because it wasn't looking so good, but it ended up turning around and making it to blast. It was frozen but not discarded with the blasts that tested abnormal as it never actually got tested. I have no idea how I was never told about it but, since it seems to work in my favor, I'm not going to complain.

So we have an "inconclusive embryo" (which I understand is basically the same as untested),
an untested embryo and the CGH normal embryo. I talked with my Dr. and he's willing to let me transfer all 3 to my surrogate. The downside of this is, if by some miracle she does get pregnant, we won't really have the full benefit of the CGH testing when it comes to not having to worry as much about miscarriage or doing invasive testing. I know, who am I kidding? It's not like we'll get far enough to be worrying about an amnio. Ha! I can't believe the thought even entered my mind there for a minute.

DH and I both admitted to one another today that we would consider doing an 8th fresh cycle if things don't work out with this transfer to our surrogate. I had been afraid to mention it to him for fear he'd think I had become insane and he was afraid to bring it up to me. It's crazy, I know. I just can't "move on".... partially because I don't know what we'd move on to.

CGH results

Out of the 5 blasts that were frozen, we have one "inconclusive" embryo. The other 4 were abnormal. I'm still not completely clear on how an embryo ends up getting an inconclusive result but the best I can understand is that, for some reason, the DNA was not able to be read from the cell they removed making the testing impossible. So, basically, "inconclusive" means untested.
The Dr. assured me that the fact the DNA couldn't be read is a technical issue and does not reflect on the embryo itself. Even so, what are the odds that the one embryo they couldn't test would be the only normal one out of the bunch? So, yeah, as far as I'm concerned we pretty much just had a cycle with all abnormal embryos and I have no idea if it was a fluke thing or if my days of having a few tested normal embryos per cycle are now over.

Fortunately, even though they usually will not transfer an untested embryo along with a tested normal one, my Dr. agreed to make an exception in our case since my surrogate can only go out there the one time for a transfer. And, since I haven't had success transferring 3 tested normal embryos to myself at this point, I think the untested embryo has a much better shot being transferred to her.

Now we are just waiting on my surrogate's DQ/HLA testing to come back and I'm praying she won't have a match with my husband. I'm not even sure if I believe in the whole DQ/HLA matching theory but I can't imagine going through with the ET if my Dr. told me there was no chance it would work due to a match. I would think it'd be extremely unlikely she'll have a match with him. She's had 5 children (one delivered for a couple as a surrogate) and each was conceived with a different man. And, of course, she did get pregnant for us once but miscarried due to an abnormal embryo.

No news means bad news

I'm not sure I was cut out for blogging....mainly because when things are going wrong it's sometimes too painful for me to sit down and write about them. As you can tell by the huge amount of time that's gone by since my last entry, a lot has gone wrong.

To sum up what's happened since my last post....

I did end up going ahead and transferring one of the normal CGH tested embryos to myself back in Oct. The result was a short lived chemical pregnancy.

Shortly thereafter, I transferred 3 blasts frozen from a prior cycle at a local clinic (so they weren't tested) to a gestational surrogate. She became pregnant with a singleton and things looked perfect at the first u/s. When we went back for a 9 week u/s a few days before Christmas, the Dr. asked me what was the farthest I had ever gotten. I told him a little over 8 weeks. He said, "well, this will be a new milestone for you if things look good." I said "yes, if things look good" and my husband said "STOP IT" in a stern voice (he thinks I'm too negative....gee, I wonder why?!). I was so anxious that I felt faint. As soon as the Dr. started doing the u/s, I knew something was wrong by the look on his face and the fact that he wasn't saying anything. Sure enough, the h/b had stopped. It was very similar to what had happened the one time with me and it was so hard to have all the same feelings come rushing back all over again. She had a D&C and I was relieved to at least find out that the embryo had several abnormalities.

My husband and I figured the next step was to transfer our one remaining tested embryo to the surrogate. The problem was both of us felt like we'd have better chances if we could transfer 2 tested embryos to her. It's such a big endeavor and expense to have her go out there to transfer one embryo. And, even though it's CGH tested, there is still a 20% chance an embryo that tests normal is actually not.

So, you guessed it, we decided to do fresh cycle # 7. We just returned from Vegas around 12 days ago. The cycle did not go well. I'm normally a high responder. I don't have PCOS and I'm never in the territory of huge numbers of eggs, but typically 20 to 30. Yet, this time, at my first appt. my E2 level was only 180 and there were only around 5 or 6 follicles as opposed to the 19 plus I usually have by that time and an E2 over 2,000. I don't know what happened except that 8 months had elapsed since my prior cycle and I'm now 38. Prior to the cycle, I had asked to increase my dose this time around but since my final E2 was 5,000-6,000 the times before, the Dr. didn't want to do that. I can't really blame him. Who could have seen this coming? The one thing I thought might have been done was testing at a local lab after a few days of stims. That way they could have caught the fact that I wasn't responding a lot earlier and corrected it sooner. By the time they discovered this, I had already done 7 nights of stims. Anyway, my dose was increased and I ended up having 18 eggs retrieved but only 14 mature and 11 fertilized. We ended up with 5 blasts to freeze that we're waiting for CGH results on. All 5 were Day 6 blasts (just like last time around) which is not encouraging to me. At any rate, I'm just praying 1 will test normal.

We had 2 out of 11 the first time we did the testing which means 9 were abnormal then 2 out of 7 the 2nd time which means 5 were abnormal.....so I'm very worried that all 5 that we have this time could easily be abnormal. Seeing how many abnormal embryos we've had in the past, I'm convinced we need high numbers to get a normal one or 2 and we just didn't have that from this cycle (and, yes, I know it's quality over quantity but I've tried the super low dose route once before to have less but presumably better quality embryos and no pregnancy resulted from any of them so the likelihood is that theory doesn't hold true with me; unless it actually is mainly an implantation problem which we won't know until we see how the surrogate does with tested embryos) .

My surrogate will be going to Vegas for a transfer in May.....at least of the one tested embryo we have frozen if none of the 5 come back normal.

Anyway, that's where things stand right now. I'd love to say something positive like "I'm sure things can only get better from here" but think I'd probably be kidding myself. :{