I think I give up

Nothing went well today.  

Finally, at around 2:00, I heard from the clinic.  The news was basically that the tested embryo was still not expanded which was a bad sign and that they suggested thawing out my one inconclusive embryo (in other words, the tested one had no chance so we should transfer whatever else we could at the same time and say 1000 Hail Mary's).  

I pointed out that 1.)  I was supposed to have 2 untested embryos and 2.) the agreed upon plan from the start was that they would thaw and transfer all 3 embryos.

The coordinator told me that she checked with the lab and I only had 2 embryos; the CGH tested and 1 untested.  I insisted that there was another embryo that my old coordinator had discovered several months ago and had verified was there with the lab.

We were told to go there immediately for the transfer.  When I got there,  I was told that I was right and there was a 3rd embryo.  Meanwhile, it's not like it really mattered because everything had been riding on our one tested embryo and basically that was crap after the thaw.

It wasn't dead but it wasn't developing either after several hours.

My surrogate and I got there only to wait for about 2 1/2 hours before they actually did the transfer.  My poor surrogate had to empty her bladder twice and drink the water all over again. She was being a good sport but at one point she joked that it was only her first time and she was already starting to feel bitter.  Welcome to my world. 

When the Dr. finally came in, he told me that the tested embryo was still non-expanded which was basically a bad sign, that one of the tested embryos looked "okay", and that I had one beautiful looking hatching untested embryo.  I pointed out to him that I've had as many as 11 supposedly perfect looking blasts in one cycle before and only 2 of them tested normal.  I transferred 3 hatching blasts to a surrogate in Florida that were not tested and she got pregnant with and miscarried one at around 8 weeks (later revealed to be abnormal).  So, it's not like I'm going to be optimistic about one embryo that looks good when it hasn't been tested.  I was annoyed that he was trying to put a positive spin on this like there actually is a chance.   

He basically couldn't give me any good explanations about what happened with the CGH one.  He said that, yes, maybe the tested embryo was really abnormal as happens 20% of the time (up quite a bit from when I first started doing this but I guess that's the risk you take with new research).  He basically admitted having no idea what is going on with our case and didn't know what to advise us.  

Of course, it is only too symbolic of our luck that we finally get things together to transfer a tested embryo to a surrogate and it's the first time one of our tested embryos hasn't come through the thaw looking perfect.  

DH and I talked and we are just so done with this.  We would have given up long ago if we weren't always so seemingly close to having this work.  I wish things had gone more obviously wrong earlier so we would have changed paths and not wasted so many years and money.   Now I see that we're never going to have everything align all at once.  I had the good embryos when I was transferring them to myself.  Now, that I have a surrogate, I don't have embryos. 

We don't know what we're going to do.   I just can't even think straight anymore tonight.