I think I give up

Nothing went well today.  

Finally, at around 2:00, I heard from the clinic.  The news was basically that the tested embryo was still not expanded which was a bad sign and that they suggested thawing out my one inconclusive embryo (in other words, the tested one had no chance so we should transfer whatever else we could at the same time and say 1000 Hail Mary's).  

I pointed out that 1.)  I was supposed to have 2 untested embryos and 2.) the agreed upon plan from the start was that they would thaw and transfer all 3 embryos.

The coordinator told me that she checked with the lab and I only had 2 embryos; the CGH tested and 1 untested.  I insisted that there was another embryo that my old coordinator had discovered several months ago and had verified was there with the lab.

We were told to go there immediately for the transfer.  When I got there,  I was told that I was right and there was a 3rd embryo.  Meanwhile, it's not like it really mattered because everything had been riding on our one tested embryo and basically that was crap after the thaw.

It wasn't dead but it wasn't developing either after several hours.

My surrogate and I got there only to wait for about 2 1/2 hours before they actually did the transfer.  My poor surrogate had to empty her bladder twice and drink the water all over again. She was being a good sport but at one point she joked that it was only her first time and she was already starting to feel bitter.  Welcome to my world. 

When the Dr. finally came in, he told me that the tested embryo was still non-expanded which was basically a bad sign, that one of the tested embryos looked "okay", and that I had one beautiful looking hatching untested embryo.  I pointed out to him that I've had as many as 11 supposedly perfect looking blasts in one cycle before and only 2 of them tested normal.  I transferred 3 hatching blasts to a surrogate in Florida that were not tested and she got pregnant with and miscarried one at around 8 weeks (later revealed to be abnormal).  So, it's not like I'm going to be optimistic about one embryo that looks good when it hasn't been tested.  I was annoyed that he was trying to put a positive spin on this like there actually is a chance.   

He basically couldn't give me any good explanations about what happened with the CGH one.  He said that, yes, maybe the tested embryo was really abnormal as happens 20% of the time (up quite a bit from when I first started doing this but I guess that's the risk you take with new research).  He basically admitted having no idea what is going on with our case and didn't know what to advise us.  

Of course, it is only too symbolic of our luck that we finally get things together to transfer a tested embryo to a surrogate and it's the first time one of our tested embryos hasn't come through the thaw looking perfect.  

DH and I talked and we are just so done with this.  We would have given up long ago if we weren't always so seemingly close to having this work.  I wish things had gone more obviously wrong earlier so we would have changed paths and not wasted so many years and money.   Now I see that we're never going to have everything align all at once.  I had the good embryos when I was transferring them to myself.  Now, that I have a surrogate, I don't have embryos. 

We don't know what we're going to do.   I just can't even think straight anymore tonight. 

Waiting

Dinner with my GS and her husband went really well.  We were all very comfortable around each other and it was great to finally meet her in person.  

I woke up this morning at 5:30 AM.....partly due to the 3 hour time difference, but probably more to do with the fact that I'm a nervous wreck right now (so much for remaining numb).

I actually dumped my morning coffee halfway through drinking it (unheard of!) because I was already so jittery that I couldn't handle the caffeine.

The coordinator will call my GS around 10 this morning and let her know what time the transfer will be this afternoon.  She'll call and let me know as soon as she finds out.  It's going to be torture waiting all day to see if the embryos make it.   

I'll post later after we get back.  PLEASE, please make it tested embryo.  :{

 

Vegas.....again

Well, here we are in Vegas again.  It was a bit of a different experience flying here without 

toting along IVF medications.  I think this is the first time I've ever been here that my carry-on and body weren't full of meds.  

We're about to head out to meet my surrogate and her husband for the first time in person.  I feel like I already know her very well since we've exchanged many e-mails and photos, have talked on the phone and even used the webcam to talk once.   She is really an amazing person and I feel so fortunate to have her doing this for us.  

I'm still in a panic worrying that the tested embryo may not make the thaw.  I think you've all seen how my luck (or lack thereof) goes when it comes to all of this.

I'll post tomorrow after the transfer.  Thanks for the good wishes from those who posted.  It's nice knowing that there are friends out there looking out for me.

3 Days to Transfer

On Thursday, my GS called to tell me she just got back from her lining check and her lining was 16 mm. I couldn't ask for better than that. So, she started her progesterone and the transfer will happen on Tuesday. DH and I fly out to Vegas on Monday.

When I told DH about her results, he said that he was mainly worried that the embryos wouldn't make the thaw....especially our one tested one. I wish he hadn't said that. I know it's a very real possibility, but it's something I'm trying not to acknowledge at the moment. It is exactly the type of thing that would happen to us when we are finally trying to transfer a tested embryo to a GS.  I'm just praying that we will get a break and everything will go as planned. 

I've been trying my best to remain a little numb throughout the whole process this time.  It's hard because we have so much riding on this.  Meanwhile, my surrogate is very excited so I try to make myself a little more upbeat for her sake.  She is someone who is not used to failing in the this arena. I'm someone who can't really fathom winning anymore.

At any rate, I will try to post from Vegas after the transfer.

I'm back

I know it's been a long time since I've written. I've probably lost the few readers I had by this time.

Things have just been very busy. I've been trying to cram a bunch of things in before I end up absorbed with all of the IVF issues again. I didn't want to even think about IVF for awhile so that meant taking a little break from this blog. We went to visit DH's mom again for a couple days. My Dad visited for a week and I had a great time with him here....although I felt sort of bad having my Dad visit when DH no longer has his, but he assured me that he loves my Dad and didn't want me to not have him visit. Next weekend we're going to VT for my mom's birthday.

We will go to Vegas Aug. 25-27 for the transfer to my GS. The more I get to know her, the more I see what an amazing person she is and I feel so lucky to have her doing this for us. I just hope one of our embryos cooperates. I feel a huge amount of pressure to have this work......even more than usual. For one, these are the last embryos we have frozen anywhere. In the past, we've always had some as a back up. Even if I might not have had high hopes for them, at least there was some sort of chance left. For another, my MIL is so hopeful of this working. I know it'd mean so much to her and the last thing she needs in her present emotional state is bad news. The same could be said for DH. So, I really almost am afraid to even do this for fear of creating bad news.

We are still planning to do the fresh cycle in October even though I'm very uncertain about whether it's the right thing or not. I talked it out with my MIL and she made me promise we'd go ahead with it as we had originally planned. It's just that so much has changed since then. If the transfer to my surrogate doesn't work this time, how much hope would I have of not only getting more normal embryos in another fresh cycle (especially considering I didn't the last time around and I'm that much older now) but then also having the transfer work? Right. Not much.