What have I done?

I paid the deposit for the July IVF cycle yesterday because I was sick of being on the fence. I took my first bcp last night. Now the realization is hitting me that I am actually doing this again.
Some of my friends think I'm crazy at this point.

This will be our 6th time traveling out to Vegas since Jan. '07.

The first try there (and my 5th fresh cycle) was in Jan. '07 and, since we were doing staggered IVF with the CGH testing, we had to freeze the embryos. I went back for the ET in March '07 which was as soon as I possibly could. That was the cycle I was pregnant up to 8.5 weeks. I had the D&C in early May '07.

I then did another fresh cycle in July '07. Again, that was as soon as I could realistically cycle again. We froze the embryos while waiting for test results. I went back in Oct. '07 (the earliest Dr. S. was in Vegas again and the earliest I could have done it based on when I got the results) for the ET of one of my two tested embryos. That cycle was a chemical pregnancy.

At that point, I truly thought I was done with fresh cycles. We had a FET using a surrogate for the first time in Nov. '07 with some embryos frozen at my old local clinic from a 2006 cycle. We transferred 3 blasts to her and she became pregnant with a singleton. Things looked good at first, but her 9 week u/s showed the h/b and growth had stopped. Her D&C was in late December '07. The embryo was abnormal.

I knew I couldn't let everything ride on the one tested embryo we had left in Vegas. I couldn't get in to do another fresh cycle until March '08 though. That was my most recent cycle where we had 5 blasts but none tested normal.

So, now here we are in May '08 and it's amazing to me how much effort I've put into this since we first decided to cycle out of state yet we still have nothing to show for it. Reflecting on this makes me wonder why am I doing another cycle. What do I expect to be different?

If something actually works for us, of course I'll say it was all worth it. If none of this works, it would be a very bitter pill to swallow that I've spent so many years of my life going from cycle to cycle to the exclusion of everything else and probably at least $ 150,000 (which is not a small amount to us). It would be so hard to take that it was all for nothing; that we still don't have the child we longed for. I am deathly afraid of having to face that realization so I guess maybe this "last" cycle is just buying myself some time.