Hanging on by a thread

I was having an okay day yesterday.  I even summoned up the motivation to find a new recipe to try,  went shopping for all the ingredients and somehow made it in and out of the grocery store only seeing one child and, to make things even better, it was a screaming child. 

DH had band practice during the afternoon so I played some music and got some things done around the house.  I was feeling very focused and energetic for the first time in many weeks.

 Then, around 7:00, just as I was in the midst of cooking dinner and expecting DH to get home any minute, DH's brother called.  The last time he had called us was right after his first child was born.  Since I knew my SIL was expecting soon, it wasn't very difficult to figure out why he was calling.  I had answered the phone only because the number that came up on the caller ID was my MIL's number.  I was caught off guard hearing my BIL.  He basically just said he hadn't talked to me in a long time, asked how I was doing (to which I replied the most convincing "good!" that I could summon up) and then asked if my DH could call him back when he got home.  I could tell by his voice that he could barely contain his excitement.  I said "sure" and got off the phone as fast as I possibly could; partly because I really did not want to hear the details, but also because I had my new recipe on the stove getting overcooked.     

 

When DH got home and I told him his brother had called, he seemed surprised and was like "why is he calling me?"  I told him what my guess was and he sighed and went in the office to call him and get it over with.  When he came out (which was about 2 minutes later), I could tell how agitated he was.  He said that his brother started off the conversation the same way as last time saying "I know this is hard for you, but...."     DH remarked that if he knew it was hard for him, why did he have to call us ASAP after his wife gave birth every time... particularly in light of the fact that we never hear from him otherwise?!  It's not like he has ever called to offer his condolences or support after one of my miscarriages or our failed cycles (which he knows about through MIL).   In fact, I had asked MIL to just let me know whenever SIL had the baby so we could send a gift.  I had also wanted to spare my DH the dreaded phone call.  Anyway, the result of his call was that we both had a crappy night and were unable to sleep.  I finally gave in to taking xanax at 2 AM.  At that point, DH was still up.

It's not even that we begrudge them.  It has little to do with them.  It's just that getting news like that reminds us that here they are effortlessly with a 2nd child (after getting married 3 years later than us) when we have been going through hell just trying to have a first with no success.  After the call, I had that desperate time-is-running-out, anxious feeling that just would not go away and has carried over into today.  And any small amount of hope I was feeling about the upcoming transfer to my surrogate has faded to practically nothing.  Instead, all I can focus on is the familiar feeling of being disappointed.

I am also feeling annoyed with MIL.  For all the help and support she has tried in her own way to give us, I am often reminded of how little she really understands what we are going through.  Even so recently as last week, she had been trying to convince me to reconsider and for us to visit them for Passover.  I held my ground and said I did not think it was a good idea with SIL so close to giving birth.  She said "oh, it won't be a problem."  Yes, for everyone else, I'm sure it would not have been a problem.  The point is that it would have been a big one for my DH and I. Her due date was the 29th but I knew my luck.  I knew it would happen when we were there and it turns out I would have been precisely right.  I don't even think I could have handled being around her when she was that far along anyway.  Had my surrogate not miscarried on the last cycle, she would have given birth in July.  It's just too hard not to think of things like that.

I'm annoyed with myself that one little phone call has the power to completely disrupt my fragile world.  I hate feeling like this and just wonder if it will always be like this if things don't work out for us or does it get easier to take with time.