Thanks for the support and suggestions everyone. I really appreciate it. It made me feel less alone in all of this.
I did start writing a letter to the Attorney Grievance Committee. Meanwhile, the attorney had called us on Monday to tell us he was going to wire the funds to us on Tuesday. He called this morning to tell us he was at the bank sending the money. I checked my account online and the funds are showing up but the transaction has said "pending" all day so I'm not sure if it's a done deal or not.
I'm also a little uneasy about where he got the money from if he didn't have it last week, but am trying to convince myself that it was through legal means. Now, if these funds do clear, I'm not sure whether I should still send the letter to the Grievance Committee or not. I did read something online about banks actually being responsible to notify the Attorney Grievance Committee if a check drawn on an escrow account bounces and then they conduct an investigation of the accounts. I'm hoping that's the case. I also have to call the supervisor of the Medical Records Dept. at the hospital tomorrow as she was looking into one of the letters the attorney passed on to me that was supposed to be from them.
I went to get my hair colored today in the hopes of cheering myself up and getting a distraction from all of these headaches with the attorney. About 5 minutes into my appointment, my hairdresser informs me she's 3 months pregnant. The rest of my appointment was spent listening to her talking about how she really hadn't planned this and hadn't been sure she wanted children yet, how excited her family is, and numerous other details that I won't even go into because I don't want to make anyone reading this upset. The best part was when she told me that she wouldn't have wanted to have children when she was past 27 (she's 24 right now) because her mom is only 45 and she loves that her mom still looks great and they can do things together that they wouldn't be able to if her mother was older. At that point, I'm sitting there thinking about how I'll be like 64 when my child (make that "increasingly hypothetical child") is 24. If you can believe it, I had told her that we had been working on an adoption that fell through right before she gave me her good news and all of the information that followed. I don't think it was done with ill intent, but just complete cluelessness. It's amazing that this same sort of scenario also happened to me right after my miscarriage. I remember dragging myself in to get my hair colored and one of the clients sitting next to me was pregnant with triplets (no IVF, of course) and everyone was talking about how rare it was for triplets to occur without fertility treatment practically the entire time I was in there. This was two years ago and it obviously traumatized me because I still remember it so clearly. I've decided, at the very least, that whoever does my hair from now on will have to be male.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Failed Adoption
The Friday before last my DH and I were all packed in anticipation of flying to AZ that day, which is where the baby was to be born. We had our tickets and, meanwhile, I had purchased tickets for my mom to come to our house where she would stay and take care of our cats and help us when we returned.
The attorney had told me the birthmother was being induced late Thursday night and that he would call me early in the morning to let me know how everything went. So, when the phone rang early Friday morning, I figured he would be telling me the baby had arrived and whether it was a boy or a girl. Instead, he told me that he got a voice mail late Thurs. night from the birthmother saying that she had changed her mind. He said he was very sorry, that he had never had this happen before and that he would return the full amount of our escrow deposit including the living expenses that had been paid out to the birthmother so far and the portion of the fee which he was entitled to keep in the case of a failed adoption. I asked when he was sending it because I needed it to pursue another option. He promised it was already in the mail.
The next couple days were horrible. I had to cancel my mom's flight plus all of our own travel arrangements. We had to notify the many people we had told about this situation that it had fallen through. There was a pile of baby gear in the garage that one of DH's friends had given to us from their child.....stroller, toys, carseat, etc. I had to walk by all of these things to get to my car. After a few days, DH shoved it all in a closet so we didn't have to look at it until he could bring it back to his friend. We had completely cleared out the room that we were making a nursery and had put wood flooring in and I had bought a number of things for the baby for the trip. It had all been so tangible that we could have a baby soon and having the whole thing evaporate just left me with a feeling of overwhelming emptiness. The frightening realization also sunk in that we could fail at adoption multiple times just like we had failed at IVF.
I know this story sounds bad enough right now, but it's about to get worse.
On Monday, I still didn't have the promised check from the attorney. I called him and he claimed that he had just called the person who was handling it for him and I would receive it the following day by UPS. The next day, on Tuesday, it arrived by UPS. This meant he had never actually mailed it on Friday like he had told me, but I didn't think too much of it. I went over to the bank and deposited the check. On Friday morning, I logged into my bank account online to find that the check had been returned for insufficient funds.
DH called him and the attorney gave him a song and dance and a bunch of excuses that didn't make any sense. We asked that he wire us the funds immediately. We told him we needed it for something else and he was potentially ruining that for us. We had given him $ 26,000 in total. After paying birthmother expenses (or supposedly paying them) and taking out his own fee, we should have had $ 18,300 remaining in escrow. He should have been able to send at least that portion immediately because it should have been sitting in an escrow account untouched. At any rate, he gave DH his word that he would wire in on Monday.
The way this attorney found out about us was through a friend of my MIL's. She had been very close friends with his parents (who are now deceased) and has known the attorney since he was a child. At any rate, I told my MIL what happened. She told her friend. Her friend called the attorney and got on his case. Apparently, he confessed to her that he had used our money. His wife told her they can't pay their mortgage (essentially implying that, if we go after them, they have nothing to give us).
Towards the end of this adoption scenario there were a lot of things that just didn't seem right. It'd take too long to go into them all right now but suffice it to say that there were many days that I called my MIL and she and I would discuss inconsistencies in things the attorney was telling me. We talked about how it was odd that he had me speak with the birthmother a couple times at the beginning of this, but nothing since the end of November after we had started sending her living expenses through the attorney. When I asked him about it, he said she was trying to distance herself. There was also an issue where, very late in things, the official due date got moved from Feb. 2 to Feb. 12. Then he told me she was going to be induced on the 19th. And during the last couple weeks, he supposedly could never connect with her directly and they kept leaving each other voice mails. In our initial agreement with him, it said he would retain the AZ attorney two weeks prior to the birth, but he never retained one. When I asked him about it, he said he was "trying to protect our pocketbook" and that we didn't really need the attorney until after the birth. I asked him several times for the name of the attorney he planned to use, and he always skirted around the question and told me not to worry about it.
When my MIL and I discussed these things, we always managed to convince ourselves that we were just being paranoid and maybe the fact that it was intended to be a closed adoption was lending to the issue of feeling like we never had adequate information or explanations for things. We wanted to believe everything was all right. I didn't even get DH involved. I figured there was no sense in worrying him for no reason.
Anyway, so in addition to this attorney having violated our escrow account (which is a crime in and of itself), I strongly suspect there was some level of adoption fraud going on as well. When my MIL's friend confronted him, she also said she believed that he had forged some documents we received that were supposedly from the hospital. He didn't admit it, but he didn't deny it either. The problem is adoption fraud would be very difficult to prove. We will, at the very least, be going after him for the escrow.
My MIL is inconsolable about this whole thing. She's been hanging on by a thread since the death of my FIL. This possible adoption had given her something to be excited about. When it fell through, I think she was as upset as I was. And, when we found out the attorney had been taking advantage of us....it's too much for her to take. She feels like it was her fault since it was her friend who connected him with us. The thing is I had googled this attorney's name before we got involved with him and he seemed well respected. I found a number of adoption related articles where he is quoted. He is a licensed attorney. How could any of us have possibly known? Why did he have to pick us to prey on? He knew all about our history of failed cycles, miscarriages, etc. And he knew that my DH had just lost his Dad this year. I'm not a spiteful person, but I can't help but feel that I want this guy to end up paying for what he has done to us and I definitely want to prevent him from doing it to anyone else.
At this point, I just don't feel like I can jump back into pursuing adoption. I know that this was an unusual situation because we were dealing with a crook, but it's made me see how vulnerable potential adoptive parents are to the professionals who are supposed to be helping them, to the birthmothers, etc.
I just don't feel like I could handle this sort of thing happening again.
The attorney had told me the birthmother was being induced late Thursday night and that he would call me early in the morning to let me know how everything went. So, when the phone rang early Friday morning, I figured he would be telling me the baby had arrived and whether it was a boy or a girl. Instead, he told me that he got a voice mail late Thurs. night from the birthmother saying that she had changed her mind. He said he was very sorry, that he had never had this happen before and that he would return the full amount of our escrow deposit including the living expenses that had been paid out to the birthmother so far and the portion of the fee which he was entitled to keep in the case of a failed adoption. I asked when he was sending it because I needed it to pursue another option. He promised it was already in the mail.
The next couple days were horrible. I had to cancel my mom's flight plus all of our own travel arrangements. We had to notify the many people we had told about this situation that it had fallen through. There was a pile of baby gear in the garage that one of DH's friends had given to us from their child.....stroller, toys, carseat, etc. I had to walk by all of these things to get to my car. After a few days, DH shoved it all in a closet so we didn't have to look at it until he could bring it back to his friend. We had completely cleared out the room that we were making a nursery and had put wood flooring in and I had bought a number of things for the baby for the trip. It had all been so tangible that we could have a baby soon and having the whole thing evaporate just left me with a feeling of overwhelming emptiness. The frightening realization also sunk in that we could fail at adoption multiple times just like we had failed at IVF.
I know this story sounds bad enough right now, but it's about to get worse.
On Monday, I still didn't have the promised check from the attorney. I called him and he claimed that he had just called the person who was handling it for him and I would receive it the following day by UPS. The next day, on Tuesday, it arrived by UPS. This meant he had never actually mailed it on Friday like he had told me, but I didn't think too much of it. I went over to the bank and deposited the check. On Friday morning, I logged into my bank account online to find that the check had been returned for insufficient funds.
DH called him and the attorney gave him a song and dance and a bunch of excuses that didn't make any sense. We asked that he wire us the funds immediately. We told him we needed it for something else and he was potentially ruining that for us. We had given him $ 26,000 in total. After paying birthmother expenses (or supposedly paying them) and taking out his own fee, we should have had $ 18,300 remaining in escrow. He should have been able to send at least that portion immediately because it should have been sitting in an escrow account untouched. At any rate, he gave DH his word that he would wire in on Monday.
The way this attorney found out about us was through a friend of my MIL's. She had been very close friends with his parents (who are now deceased) and has known the attorney since he was a child. At any rate, I told my MIL what happened. She told her friend. Her friend called the attorney and got on his case. Apparently, he confessed to her that he had used our money. His wife told her they can't pay their mortgage (essentially implying that, if we go after them, they have nothing to give us).
Towards the end of this adoption scenario there were a lot of things that just didn't seem right. It'd take too long to go into them all right now but suffice it to say that there were many days that I called my MIL and she and I would discuss inconsistencies in things the attorney was telling me. We talked about how it was odd that he had me speak with the birthmother a couple times at the beginning of this, but nothing since the end of November after we had started sending her living expenses through the attorney. When I asked him about it, he said she was trying to distance herself. There was also an issue where, very late in things, the official due date got moved from Feb. 2 to Feb. 12. Then he told me she was going to be induced on the 19th. And during the last couple weeks, he supposedly could never connect with her directly and they kept leaving each other voice mails. In our initial agreement with him, it said he would retain the AZ attorney two weeks prior to the birth, but he never retained one. When I asked him about it, he said he was "trying to protect our pocketbook" and that we didn't really need the attorney until after the birth. I asked him several times for the name of the attorney he planned to use, and he always skirted around the question and told me not to worry about it.
When my MIL and I discussed these things, we always managed to convince ourselves that we were just being paranoid and maybe the fact that it was intended to be a closed adoption was lending to the issue of feeling like we never had adequate information or explanations for things. We wanted to believe everything was all right. I didn't even get DH involved. I figured there was no sense in worrying him for no reason.
Anyway, so in addition to this attorney having violated our escrow account (which is a crime in and of itself), I strongly suspect there was some level of adoption fraud going on as well. When my MIL's friend confronted him, she also said she believed that he had forged some documents we received that were supposedly from the hospital. He didn't admit it, but he didn't deny it either. The problem is adoption fraud would be very difficult to prove. We will, at the very least, be going after him for the escrow.
My MIL is inconsolable about this whole thing. She's been hanging on by a thread since the death of my FIL. This possible adoption had given her something to be excited about. When it fell through, I think she was as upset as I was. And, when we found out the attorney had been taking advantage of us....it's too much for her to take. She feels like it was her fault since it was her friend who connected him with us. The thing is I had googled this attorney's name before we got involved with him and he seemed well respected. I found a number of adoption related articles where he is quoted. He is a licensed attorney. How could any of us have possibly known? Why did he have to pick us to prey on? He knew all about our history of failed cycles, miscarriages, etc. And he knew that my DH had just lost his Dad this year. I'm not a spiteful person, but I can't help but feel that I want this guy to end up paying for what he has done to us and I definitely want to prevent him from doing it to anyone else.
At this point, I just don't feel like I can jump back into pursuing adoption. I know that this was an unusual situation because we were dealing with a crook, but it's made me see how vulnerable potential adoptive parents are to the professionals who are supposed to be helping them, to the birthmothers, etc.
I just don't feel like I could handle this sort of thing happening again.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Update
Okay, so I'm not the most reliable blogger. I guess it's time for an update.
I did end up doing Fresh Cycle number 8. I didn't even post about it because I felt
kind of ridiculous doing it. It went poorly. Even on a higher dose of meds, my body
still did not respond at all like it did in the past. We ended up with only 3 blasts (so in the 4 cycles I did at SIRM, we went from 11 blasts to 7 blasts to 5 blasts to 3 blasts). I don't know if it has something to do with having done so many IVF's or just getting older. At any rate, only the eggs were being tested this time around. The retrieval was back in October and the results are still not in. Needless to say, it's highly unlikely that someone who had only 2 normal embryos out of 11 will have even one out of 3 so I haven't exactly been on the edge of my seat waiting for results.
The good news is that, ever since we got back from the miserable cycle, we've had an adoption situation going on! We hadn't even signed up with an agency yet, but our homestudy was completed and an attorney that I had spoken with several times about adoption heard that we had completed the homestudy. He called us with a situation. I spoke with the birthmother and sent her some pictures and she selected us. She's due in early Feb. It will be a closed adoption with no further contact.
I'm excited but really afraid to let myself get too carried away. She seems very confident that this decision is made, but I know that she could still change her mind last minute. DH is being more optimistic than I am. It's just hard for me to believe that, after everything we've gone through with IVF, an adoption situation could land in our lap so easily and actually happen. This will be a 5 hour plane flight and 3 hour drive for us. I'm kind of nervous about how everything will play out with booking travel last minute and buying the things we'll need.
Is it possible that we'll actually be parents in just a little over a month???
Friday, September 5, 2008
10dp5dt
From the moment the tested embryo was determined not to have thawed properly, I knew there was very little hope for this cycle. And, actually, DH and I are relieved just to have it
be a flat out BFN vs. a short lived BFP.
We set up our adoption home study appointment for next weekend. If it seems to some of you that I'm jumping into adoption alarmingly fast, that's not really the case. If it works out for us, I have a feeling I'll be kicking myself for having been so slow to head in that direction. DH and I went into IVF saying that we'd adopt if it didn't work out for us. I don't think either of us banked on doing as many cycles as we did and spending so many years. It's just that we always seemed so close to having success.
There was a point along the way where I started feeling ready to give up on IVF, but DH wasn't there yet. Then, I think he was there at one point, but I wasn't. I didn't want to pressure him into adoption. I knew adoption was something we both had to feel fully ready for at the same time. Recently, DH started bringing it up as something he really wants to move ahead with. I'm not going to say I don't have fears about adopting. It seems like a such a huge leap of faith but, if I trust my heart and what others who have adopted tell me, we're probably going to come out the other side wishing we had just done it sooner. I've spent years thinking about it, reading about it and talking with people who have adopted so it's not like I'm going into it blindly by any means. Even so, I'm just nervous about starting a whole new process and of the new types of disappointments that might be out there waiting for us.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Decisions
Over the past couple days, DH and I have managed to reach a decision.
We are going to do the home study for adoption. I've already started getting the required letters of reference and documents together and will call tomorrow to set up the
appointment time. I know the home study itself will take up to a month before it's completed. During that time, I'll try to work on deciding if we should use an agency or attorney. We plan on adopting an infant domestically but, beyond that, I'm not sure yet what avenue we'll use to proceed with things. I can only hope this process ends up actually resulting in our becoming parents and, preferably, sometime before I turn 40. It's hard to believe that anything will after getting disappointed for so many years by infertility treatment.
Today is 6dp5dt for my surrogate and she's testing negative on HPT's. I was actually annoyed to find that my clinic expected her to test at 8dp5dt, not give us the result, then have her test again at 10dp5dt. We have to pay for these tests out of pocket and they are $ 200 each. So, if it was negative at 8dp5dt, we'd essentially be doing another test for no reason. I told my Dr. that I'd rather just do the first test at 10dp5dt so it can be accepted as a conclusive negative and then not have them require an additional test. I know $ 200 is not much in the scheme of IVF, but it's enough to have 2 nice dinners out.....or fill my gas tank four times......or buy a couple pairs of shoes......or do plenty of other things which are all a heck of a lot better than getting a repeat negative beta result. I mean who has ever gotten a beta done at 8dp5dt, had a complete negative, and actually gone on to get a positive 2 days later? I am guessing no one.
We are going to do the home study for adoption. I've already started getting the required letters of reference and documents together and will call tomorrow to set up the
appointment time. I know the home study itself will take up to a month before it's completed. During that time, I'll try to work on deciding if we should use an agency or attorney. We plan on adopting an infant domestically but, beyond that, I'm not sure yet what avenue we'll use to proceed with things. I can only hope this process ends up actually resulting in our becoming parents and, preferably, sometime before I turn 40. It's hard to believe that anything will after getting disappointed for so many years by infertility treatment.
Today is 6dp5dt for my surrogate and she's testing negative on HPT's. I was actually annoyed to find that my clinic expected her to test at 8dp5dt, not give us the result, then have her test again at 10dp5dt. We have to pay for these tests out of pocket and they are $ 200 each. So, if it was negative at 8dp5dt, we'd essentially be doing another test for no reason. I told my Dr. that I'd rather just do the first test at 10dp5dt so it can be accepted as a conclusive negative and then not have them require an additional test. I know $ 200 is not much in the scheme of IVF, but it's enough to have 2 nice dinners out.....or fill my gas tank four times......or buy a couple pairs of shoes......or do plenty of other things which are all a heck of a lot better than getting a repeat negative beta result. I mean who has ever gotten a beta done at 8dp5dt, had a complete negative, and actually gone on to get a positive 2 days later? I am guessing no one.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I think I give up
Finally, at around 2:00, I heard from the clinic. The news was basically that the tested embryo was still not expanded which was a bad sign and that they suggested thawing out my one inconclusive embryo (in other words, the tested one had no chance so we should transfer whatever else we could at the same time and say 1000 Hail Mary's).
I pointed out that 1.) I was supposed to have 2 untested embryos and 2.) the agreed upon plan from the start was that they would thaw and transfer all 3 embryos.
The coordinator told me that she checked with the lab and I only had 2 embryos; the CGH tested and 1 untested. I insisted that there was another embryo that my old coordinator had discovered several months ago and had verified was there with the lab.
We were told to go there immediately for the transfer. When I got there, I was told that I was right and there was a 3rd embryo. Meanwhile, it's not like it really mattered because everything had been riding on our one tested embryo and basically that was crap after the thaw.
It wasn't dead but it wasn't developing either after several hours.
My surrogate and I got there only to wait for about 2 1/2 hours before they actually did the transfer. My poor surrogate had to empty her bladder twice and drink the water all over again. She was being a good sport but at one point she joked that it was only her first time and she was already starting to feel bitter. Welcome to my world.
When the Dr. finally came in, he told me that the tested embryo was still non-expanded which was basically a bad sign, that one of the tested embryos looked "okay", and that I had one beautiful looking hatching untested embryo. I pointed out to him that I've had as many as 11 supposedly perfect looking blasts in one cycle before and only 2 of them tested normal. I transferred 3 hatching blasts to a surrogate in Florida that were not tested and she got pregnant with and miscarried one at around 8 weeks (later revealed to be abnormal). So, it's not like I'm going to be optimistic about one embryo that looks good when it hasn't been tested. I was annoyed that he was trying to put a positive spin on this like there actually is a chance.
He basically couldn't give me any good explanations about what happened with the CGH one. He said that, yes, maybe the tested embryo was really abnormal as happens 20% of the time (up quite a bit from when I first started doing this but I guess that's the risk you take with new research). He basically admitted having no idea what is going on with our case and didn't know what to advise us.
Of course, it is only too symbolic of our luck that we finally get things together to transfer a tested embryo to a surrogate and it's the first time one of our tested embryos hasn't come through the thaw looking perfect.
DH and I talked and we are just so done with this. We would have given up long ago if we weren't always so seemingly close to having this work. I wish things had gone more obviously wrong earlier so we would have changed paths and not wasted so many years and money. Now I see that we're never going to have everything align all at once. I had the good embryos when I was transferring them to myself. Now, that I have a surrogate, I don't have embryos.
We don't know what we're going to do. I just can't even think straight anymore tonight.
Waiting
Dinner with my GS and her husband went really well. We were all very comfortable around each other and it was great to finally meet her in person.
I woke up this morning at 5:30 AM.....partly due to the 3 hour time difference, but probably more to do with the fact that I'm a nervous wreck right now (so much for remaining numb).
I actually dumped my morning coffee halfway through drinking it (unheard of!) because I was already so jittery that I couldn't handle the caffeine.
The coordinator will call my GS around 10 this morning and let her know what time the transfer will be this afternoon. She'll call and let me know as soon as she finds out. It's going to be torture waiting all day to see if the embryos make it.
I'll post later after we get back. PLEASE, please make it tested embryo. :{
Monday, August 25, 2008
Vegas.....again
Well, here we are in Vegas again. It was a bit of a different experience flying here without
toting along IVF medications. I think this is the first time I've ever been here that my carry-on and body weren't full of meds.
We're about to head out to meet my surrogate and her husband for the first time in person. I feel like I already know her very well since we've exchanged many e-mails and photos, have talked on the phone and even used the webcam to talk once. She is really an amazing person and I feel so fortunate to have her doing this for us.
I'm still in a panic worrying that the tested embryo may not make the thaw. I think you've all seen how my luck (or lack thereof) goes when it comes to all of this.
I'll post tomorrow after the transfer. Thanks for the good wishes from those who posted. It's nice knowing that there are friends out there looking out for me.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
3 Days to Transfer
On Thursday, my GS called to tell me she just got back from her lining check and her lining was 16 mm. I couldn't ask for better than that. So, she started her progesterone and the transfer will happen on Tuesday. DH and I fly out to Vegas on Monday.
When I told DH about her results, he said that he was mainly worried that the embryos wouldn't make the thaw....especially our one tested one. I wish he hadn't said that. I know it's a very real possibility, but it's something I'm trying not to acknowledge at the moment. It is exactly the type of thing that would happen to us when we are finally trying to transfer a tested embryo to a GS. I'm just praying that we will get a break and everything will go as planned.
I've been trying my best to remain a little numb throughout the whole process this time. It's hard because we have so much riding on this. Meanwhile, my surrogate is very excited so I try to make myself a little more upbeat for her sake. She is someone who is not used to failing in the this arena. I'm someone who can't really fathom winning anymore.
At any rate, I will try to post from Vegas after the transfer.
When I told DH about her results, he said that he was mainly worried that the embryos wouldn't make the thaw....especially our one tested one. I wish he hadn't said that. I know it's a very real possibility, but it's something I'm trying not to acknowledge at the moment. It is exactly the type of thing that would happen to us when we are finally trying to transfer a tested embryo to a GS. I'm just praying that we will get a break and everything will go as planned.
I've been trying my best to remain a little numb throughout the whole process this time. It's hard because we have so much riding on this. Meanwhile, my surrogate is very excited so I try to make myself a little more upbeat for her sake. She is someone who is not used to failing in the this arena. I'm someone who can't really fathom winning anymore.
At any rate, I will try to post from Vegas after the transfer.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
I'm back
I know it's been a long time since I've written. I've probably lost the few readers I had by this time.
Things have just been very busy. I've been trying to cram a bunch of things in before I end up absorbed with all of the IVF issues again. I didn't want to even think about IVF for awhile so that meant taking a little break from this blog. We went to visit DH's mom again for a couple days. My Dad visited for a week and I had a great time with him here....although I felt sort of bad having my Dad visit when DH no longer has his, but he assured me that he loves my Dad and didn't want me to not have him visit. Next weekend we're going to VT for my mom's birthday.
We will go to Vegas Aug. 25-27 for the transfer to my GS. The more I get to know her, the more I see what an amazing person she is and I feel so lucky to have her doing this for us. I just hope one of our embryos cooperates. I feel a huge amount of pressure to have this work......even more than usual. For one, these are the last embryos we have frozen anywhere. In the past, we've always had some as a back up. Even if I might not have had high hopes for them, at least there was some sort of chance left. For another, my MIL is so hopeful of this working. I know it'd mean so much to her and the last thing she needs in her present emotional state is bad news. The same could be said for DH. So, I really almost am afraid to even do this for fear of creating bad news.
We are still planning to do the fresh cycle in October even though I'm very uncertain about whether it's the right thing or not. I talked it out with my MIL and she made me promise we'd go ahead with it as we had originally planned. It's just that so much has changed since then. If the transfer to my surrogate doesn't work this time, how much hope would I have of not only getting more normal embryos in another fresh cycle (especially considering I didn't the last time around and I'm that much older now) but then also having the transfer work? Right. Not much.
Things have just been very busy. I've been trying to cram a bunch of things in before I end up absorbed with all of the IVF issues again. I didn't want to even think about IVF for awhile so that meant taking a little break from this blog. We went to visit DH's mom again for a couple days. My Dad visited for a week and I had a great time with him here....although I felt sort of bad having my Dad visit when DH no longer has his, but he assured me that he loves my Dad and didn't want me to not have him visit. Next weekend we're going to VT for my mom's birthday.
We will go to Vegas Aug. 25-27 for the transfer to my GS. The more I get to know her, the more I see what an amazing person she is and I feel so lucky to have her doing this for us. I just hope one of our embryos cooperates. I feel a huge amount of pressure to have this work......even more than usual. For one, these are the last embryos we have frozen anywhere. In the past, we've always had some as a back up. Even if I might not have had high hopes for them, at least there was some sort of chance left. For another, my MIL is so hopeful of this working. I know it'd mean so much to her and the last thing she needs in her present emotional state is bad news. The same could be said for DH. So, I really almost am afraid to even do this for fear of creating bad news.
We are still planning to do the fresh cycle in October even though I'm very uncertain about whether it's the right thing or not. I talked it out with my MIL and she made me promise we'd go ahead with it as we had originally planned. It's just that so much has changed since then. If the transfer to my surrogate doesn't work this time, how much hope would I have of not only getting more normal embryos in another fresh cycle (especially considering I didn't the last time around and I'm that much older now) but then also having the transfer work? Right. Not much.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Canceled cycle
We ended up deciding to hold on the fresh cycle until Oct. I hope the decision isn't a mistake. I'll be 1 month away from turning 39 at that point. The thing is, if we were already having to wait until August, it's only an additional 2 months. Granted, it's 7 months since the last time I cycled (and who knows if that went poorly because I was 7 months older than the time prior to that), but there's nothing I can do about it.
We're going to try to proceed with the transfer of the embryos we already have frozen to our surrogate in August. I just didn't feel like I could handle that and a fresh cycle in the same month under the circumstances. The next cycle my Dr. offers after that isn't until Oct.
Things are still sad and stressful. I'm hoping that, by Oct., at least we'll be in a position where we could handle bad news. I can't imagine doing both in August and finding out the transfer to the surrogate didn't work and we didn't have any normal embryos. We're already in such a depressed state right now due to missing DH's Dad that I can't take the risk of setting us up for that kind of situation.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day
We got back from Long Island Friday night. We didn't want to leave my mother in law, but could tell she needed some time to herself. We've been calling her 3 to 4 times a day to check on her and plan to go back again Friday-Tues.
I know today is going to be especially rough for DH. Father's Day has always been kind of hard on him just like Mother's Day always is for me due to not having children. But, now he will also suffer because he no longer has his Dad either. I remember asking my MIL the week before last what we could get DH's Dad for Father's Day and she had said that he had been carrying around a soft briefcase sort of thing that DH had given to him years ago (I think it was just something that DH had and didn't use) to the point that it was getting holes in it. It was definitely nothing great but he liked it only because it was from DH. So, we had planned to get him a really nice one to replace it. I feel so upset that, if this had to happen, it couldn't have at least been after Father's Day so he could have gotten all the gifts and cards from the family and would have left knowing how much we all love him.
We canceled the July IVF cycle. We just don't have that in us right now. My intent when canceling had been to postpone until August and I think that's what DH wants to do. But part of me just feels like putting it on hold even longer until the next cycle Dr. S. has after that which is in Oct. If I could be reassured that waiting that long wouldn't make a difference, I would definitely wait.
I'm not sure what we'll do about the surrogacy. The lady who will be my GS is just wonderful and told me not to worry; that she'd wait for us as long as we needed her to. Financially, it's going to be rough as my FIL had been sending us money for the surrogacy. Now, after taking over management of the finances temporarily to help out, I can see he was being extremely generous by helping us. I'm sure he had been expecting money in for deals he was working on that would have taken care of everything, but now that money is not coming in and we certainly do not want to take anything from my MIL as she'll need what she gets for selling the house and from life insurance to take care of herself. But, my MIL insists that it was so important to my father in law that we do this and he would not have wanted us to cancel everything. She made me promise not to. So I guess we'll have to find some way to do it. I just can't see doing a fresh IVF cycle in August and trying to get my surrogate's transfer of the embryos we already have set up for August as well. It just seems like too much....emotionally and financially.
I really don't know what to do. I feel like I just have to make the decision and not trouble DH with this as he has more than enough to deal with right now.
I know today is going to be especially rough for DH. Father's Day has always been kind of hard on him just like Mother's Day always is for me due to not having children. But, now he will also suffer because he no longer has his Dad either. I remember asking my MIL the week before last what we could get DH's Dad for Father's Day and she had said that he had been carrying around a soft briefcase sort of thing that DH had given to him years ago (I think it was just something that DH had and didn't use) to the point that it was getting holes in it. It was definitely nothing great but he liked it only because it was from DH. So, we had planned to get him a really nice one to replace it. I feel so upset that, if this had to happen, it couldn't have at least been after Father's Day so he could have gotten all the gifts and cards from the family and would have left knowing how much we all love him.
We canceled the July IVF cycle. We just don't have that in us right now. My intent when canceling had been to postpone until August and I think that's what DH wants to do. But part of me just feels like putting it on hold even longer until the next cycle Dr. S. has after that which is in Oct. If I could be reassured that waiting that long wouldn't make a difference, I would definitely wait.
I'm not sure what we'll do about the surrogacy. The lady who will be my GS is just wonderful and told me not to worry; that she'd wait for us as long as we needed her to. Financially, it's going to be rough as my FIL had been sending us money for the surrogacy. Now, after taking over management of the finances temporarily to help out, I can see he was being extremely generous by helping us. I'm sure he had been expecting money in for deals he was working on that would have taken care of everything, but now that money is not coming in and we certainly do not want to take anything from my MIL as she'll need what she gets for selling the house and from life insurance to take care of herself. But, my MIL insists that it was so important to my father in law that we do this and he would not have wanted us to cancel everything. She made me promise not to. So I guess we'll have to find some way to do it. I just can't see doing a fresh IVF cycle in August and trying to get my surrogate's transfer of the embryos we already have set up for August as well. It just seems like too much....emotionally and financially.
I really don't know what to do. I feel like I just have to make the decision and not trouble DH with this as he has more than enough to deal with right now.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Death of a much loved father in law
My father in law died very suddenly on Friday afternoon. It came as a complete shock to everyone. He was 73 but seemingly very healthy and active. He was a great man who treated me like his own daughter. Whenever I saw him, his eyes would light up and he'd give me a big hug and tell me how beautiful I was. The whole family is devastated. My husband doesn't know how he'll pull through this. He always used to call his Dad for advice and guidance on things. His Mom and Dad had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary not too long ago. They had known each other since they were 14. They were the kind of couple that was so obviously as much in love 50 years later as they were upon getting married. I am very worried for my mother in law.
My husband's mom and dad had both been helping us financially with the surrogacy and have always been there for us to talk to throughout hard times. I am sad that, if we ever have a child, he will not get to see him/her. I know my father in law would have loved that more than anything. I went in his office to try to help sort through papers yesterday and he actually had a file of articles about infertility. He wanted to understand and help. I couldn't help but start crying. He had really wanted to have the whole family together, but never pressured us because he and my MIL understood it would be painful for us to be around Jordan's brother's children. The sad thing is now we are all here together and we have met some of the children for the first time (and they are so cute) and we have bridged the gap that had grown between his brothers and their wives and us. Yet, I hate that it took this for it to happen. I feel like I was selfish and should have done it sooner for the sake of my in laws who were getting older.
I will never again assume there is always time to make a situation right.
My husband is so devastated. There is so much more to say but the funeral is today and I should go get ready. It's going to be an extremely difficult day for everyone.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Money
Well, it looks like we're going to try to move forward with this other surrogate in Vegas, but I'm really worried about the financial aspect of it all. We called tons of insurance companies and she talked with an insurance broker. The bottom line is there are no individual plans out there which even cover maternity (let alone when it's a surrogacy) without a 12 month waiting period except for the policies underwritten by Lloyd's of London specifically for surrogacy pregnancy coverage and they are very expensive.
The best one I could find requires a $8,200 premium and there is a $ 17,200 deductible. The deductible has to be paid up front along with the premium but, at the end of pregnancy, they do return any unused balance of the deductible after 6 months.
Our only other option is to just self pay all the medical costs but I honestly have no idea how expensive a pregnancy could get if there happened to be complications. We already know she'll probably need a C-section since she had one for her child.
So, the question is do we pay $ 8,200 to guarantee that our medical costs won't end up in excess of $ 17,200 (so essentially, our costs would have to end up being more than $25,400 for the insurance to have been worth it). If there is a miscarriage after she's transferred over to the OB, there is no refund of any of the premium so we'd risk losing substantial money there for nothing....not that we're not used to that, of course. I'm looking to my in laws for guidance with this since they make pretty level headed decisions when it comes to finances. So far, they seem to be of the opinion that we should just self pay. It's just that, knowing our luck, it is not too difficult to imagine some kind of major complications occurring which would result in like $ 150,000 - $ 200,000 in medical bills. And then we'd really be kicking ourselves for having been worried about saving $ 8,200!
I had a consult with my Dr. yesterday to discuss my protocol for this cycle. Last time I was on the same 300 iu follistim for 2 days then down to 225 iu follistim that I had been on for the 2 cycles prior. But last time, I didn't respond to that dose for some reason. I don't know if it was due to increased age (it was 7 or 8 months since my prior fresh cycle) or just a fluke.
When I got out to Vegas after 8 nights of stims, my E2 was only at 180 as opposed to around 2000 the other times. So then, I had to be increased to 300 iu and things moved along better. I still had less eggs and embryos than prior cycles and I ended up without any normal ones.
This time, I had hoped to start at 375 and drop to 300 but the Dr. told me in an e-mail that my only choices are either starting at 375 and dropping to 225 or starting at 450 and dropping to 300. This makes no sense to me and neither of those plans seems ideal but he says these are the only options. He said that, if the higher dose is more than I need, my body will just get rid of the excess and it won't hurt egg quality. Why not just put everyone on super high doses to begin with then? I told him I'd go ahead and do the higher dose but am feeling nervous about it. I just wish my body hadn't acted so unpredictably on the past cycle. We had the protocol and dose down perfectly prior to that.
The best one I could find requires a $8,200 premium and there is a $ 17,200 deductible. The deductible has to be paid up front along with the premium but, at the end of pregnancy, they do return any unused balance of the deductible after 6 months.
Our only other option is to just self pay all the medical costs but I honestly have no idea how expensive a pregnancy could get if there happened to be complications. We already know she'll probably need a C-section since she had one for her child.
So, the question is do we pay $ 8,200 to guarantee that our medical costs won't end up in excess of $ 17,200 (so essentially, our costs would have to end up being more than $25,400 for the insurance to have been worth it). If there is a miscarriage after she's transferred over to the OB, there is no refund of any of the premium so we'd risk losing substantial money there for nothing....not that we're not used to that, of course. I'm looking to my in laws for guidance with this since they make pretty level headed decisions when it comes to finances. So far, they seem to be of the opinion that we should just self pay. It's just that, knowing our luck, it is not too difficult to imagine some kind of major complications occurring which would result in like $ 150,000 - $ 200,000 in medical bills. And then we'd really be kicking ourselves for having been worried about saving $ 8,200!
I had a consult with my Dr. yesterday to discuss my protocol for this cycle. Last time I was on the same 300 iu follistim for 2 days then down to 225 iu follistim that I had been on for the 2 cycles prior. But last time, I didn't respond to that dose for some reason. I don't know if it was due to increased age (it was 7 or 8 months since my prior fresh cycle) or just a fluke.
When I got out to Vegas after 8 nights of stims, my E2 was only at 180 as opposed to around 2000 the other times. So then, I had to be increased to 300 iu and things moved along better. I still had less eggs and embryos than prior cycles and I ended up without any normal ones.
This time, I had hoped to start at 375 and drop to 300 but the Dr. told me in an e-mail that my only choices are either starting at 375 and dropping to 225 or starting at 450 and dropping to 300. This makes no sense to me and neither of those plans seems ideal but he says these are the only options. He said that, if the higher dose is more than I need, my body will just get rid of the excess and it won't hurt egg quality. Why not just put everyone on super high doses to begin with then? I told him I'd go ahead and do the higher dose but am feeling nervous about it. I just wish my body hadn't acted so unpredictably on the past cycle. We had the protocol and dose down perfectly prior to that.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Trying to pick myself up
Ok, well the last few days have been really rough.
As usual, Kobi has been a big comfort to me. He's been by my side even more than normal. Except this morning he took it a little too far when he almost jumped on the treadmill with me. Fortunately, I was able to hit the stop button and block him just in time.
DH was really surprised by how hard I was taking the news of the failed cycle because we had known from the start that the chances of it working were slim. As I tried to explain to him, it's not so much the failed cycle as it is getting bad news yet again. And it was right on top of the news about the Vegas surrogate I hoped to work with having the match with my DH. I can only take so much. I guess part of me is always holding out hope for the kind of miracles I see happen to others. Part of me remains convinced (in spite of only evidence to the contrary) that if you persist in getting something you want in life, you'll eventually succeed.
As I mentioned in my prior post, I do have another possibility for a surrogate in Vegas. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like it may not work out either because her medical insurance
has a very clear surrogacy exclusion. And, so far, the only insurance policy we have found that would cover the maternity for a surrogate costs upward of $ 25,000. And, it would end up being several thousand even if the transfer didn't work due to the application fee and administrative fee. Add this to the $ 20,000 which gets paid to the surrogate herself, the $ 6,500 to the agency, probably $ 5,000 to the attorney for contracts, $ 2,000 to the clinic for their "surrogate coordination fee"....
It's just crazy.
Anyway, DH and I are heading out to the beach. I definitely need to get out of the house even though it's hard to motivate myself to do anything right now.
As usual, Kobi has been a big comfort to me. He's been by my side even more than normal. Except this morning he took it a little too far when he almost jumped on the treadmill with me. Fortunately, I was able to hit the stop button and block him just in time.
DH was really surprised by how hard I was taking the news of the failed cycle because we had known from the start that the chances of it working were slim. As I tried to explain to him, it's not so much the failed cycle as it is getting bad news yet again. And it was right on top of the news about the Vegas surrogate I hoped to work with having the match with my DH. I can only take so much. I guess part of me is always holding out hope for the kind of miracles I see happen to others. Part of me remains convinced (in spite of only evidence to the contrary) that if you persist in getting something you want in life, you'll eventually succeed.
As I mentioned in my prior post, I do have another possibility for a surrogate in Vegas. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like it may not work out either because her medical insurance
has a very clear surrogacy exclusion. And, so far, the only insurance policy we have found that would cover the maternity for a surrogate costs upward of $ 25,000. And, it would end up being several thousand even if the transfer didn't work due to the application fee and administrative fee. Add this to the $ 20,000 which gets paid to the surrogate herself, the $ 6,500 to the agency, probably $ 5,000 to the attorney for contracts, $ 2,000 to the clinic for their "surrogate coordination fee"....
It's just crazy.
Anyway, DH and I are heading out to the beach. I definitely need to get out of the house even though it's hard to motivate myself to do anything right now.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Test Day
She just called me this morning and said she had her blood drawn but couldn't take waiting around all day so she was going to buy a home test and take it. I figured she'd been taking them all along and just not telling me, but she said the last one she took was at 5dp6dt when I told her not to take anymore. She asked if I wanted her to tell me what the result is or if I wanted to wait for the call from the Dr. I told her if she was taking one anyway then, of course, she might as well tell me the result. So, now I sit here waiting.....of course, thinking maybe there is a small glimmer of hope since the last test she took might have been a day too early. I truly hate hope and wish I could just forever banish it from my emotions.
So, while I sit here waiting for her to call me, I'll explain what is going on with the Las Vegas surrogacy situation. Bear with me because this is confusing.
Back when I had started corresponding with the Las Vegas surrogate, there was also another surrogate out in Las Vegas I had started exchanging e-mails with. She was already potentially matched through an agency with a couple in England and just waiting on her DQ Alpha result.
The couple was working with the same clinic and Dr. I go to and they were using his daughter's surrogacy agency (which I had also made contact with prior to ending up finding someone on my own).
This other surrogate is good friends with the surrogate I had intended to use. So, anyway, she and I e-mailed one another over the month as we anxiously waited for test results to come in.
As it turned out, she found out she had a match with the intended father in England so couldn't work with them. Then, several days later, I found out her friend had the match with my DH (I know....again it makes you really wonder about the "10 percent" chance of a match).
Even though the obvious thought in both our minds was that maybe she and I could work together, both of us were hesitant to even go there because her friend (my former potential surrogate) was really upset that she had ended up matching with my DH. She had tried to get me to consider transferring to her despite the match. She knows it's a rather controversial issue and that a lot of Dr.'s don't buy into it.
The other surrogate and I decided just to get her DQ Alpha results for the sake of comparison with my DH's. We figured that, if she matched, the possibility of working together wouldn't be an option anyway. She was having some difficulty getting her results from the agency and kept having to remind the lady there to send them to her. Last night, when she asked for the 3rd time, the lady questioned why she was so anxious to have them and she said that she just wanted them for her medical records.
Now, when I had discovered my other surrogate matched, my Dr. had passed along what was going on with me to his daughter and she contacted me to say she was sorry I was still having trouble finding someone and that she could check to see if they had anyone already tested who didn't match that might be suitable. She already had DH's test results and our profile because we had been contemplating using her prior to my finding someone. The problem was agency fees for surrogacy are quite steep. We would have had to pay her $ 6,500 had she actually found me someone that I wanted to meet then another $ 6,500 if we moved ahead with things. This doesn't include attorney fees or any other surrogacy costs. It's strictly an agency fee.
And, as hard as it may be to believe, her pricing is actually on the lower end of what these agencies typically charge.
Well, last night the lady at the agency e-mailed me a profile of someone who didn't match who she thought would be perfect for us and, you guessed it. It was the lady I already know and have been communicating with for the past month. What a totally awkward situation.
The surrogate and I decided honesty was the best policy so I wrote to the agency and explained how it was that we happened to already know one another. I also told her the surrogate hadn't told her the truth about why she was looking for her test result because it was far from certain that we would work with one another and she hadn't wanted her to think she had been purposely trying to find a couple on her own. It was just a strange turn of events which resulted in this whole situation.
Fortunately, the lady at the agency was very understanding about the whole thing. She said she was just happy I might have found someone and her main concern had been that the surrogate was trying to match herself with someone else and that she would have shown her profile to me only to have me be disappointed that she wasn't available. So, in that regard, she said she was actually relieved that it was me the surrogate had been in communication with.
She said that if we wanted her to handle our case from this point to the birth (so less the matching part), it would be half the agency fee so $ 6,500. I need to give that more thought since all they'd be doing for us is managing the escrow account and referring us to attorneys and an insurance provider. My concern is what if the transfer doesn't even work? Then we've paid all that money for them to basically make one payment and give us a few referrals.
Now, all this having been said, I really don't know if this surrogate is right for us or not. She's only 23 which is a lot younger than the person I had hoped to find. She's been married for 5 years and has a 3 year old. Apparently, she doesn't want more children. She's also never done this before whereas I had ideally hoped to find someone who had. And her insurance doesn't cover surrogacy pregnancies so getting her insurance that would could add up to a substantial additional cost. I need to investigate that further. In addition, it is rather an uncomfortable situation due to her being friends with the other surrogate who is still harboring some hope that maybe I'll change my mind and use her despite the matching issue.
On the positive side of things, she does seem mature for her age and I know she's spent a lot of times on surrogacy message boards and is friends with women who are surrogates. So, she has done her research and seems fully aware of what this would involve.
Ok, still no call from my other surrogate which probably means she's too upset to call me. I'm sure that, if it had been anything less than a BFN, she would have been on the phone within a minute of taking the test.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
They match
Anyway, yesterday I found out that the Surrogate out in Las Vegas that I had been hoping to use also has the DQ Alpha/HLA matches with my DH. This is after a month of getting to know her and both getting excited about the prospect of her doing a transfer for us in July. The day before yesterday, she told me she was feeling really nervous about the test results (which we've been waiting a month for) and I told her I was sure there would be no match and that there was no way I could have that degree of bad luck. She said she admired my positive attitude after everything I've been through. Well, Ms. Positive Attitude has now fled from the premises and I can only hope she's not dumb enough to return.
I wrote to my Dr. and expressed my extreme frustration with the fact that I've now tested 2 surrogates (at $ 700 per test which is, of course, small change to my Dr. but not to me) and that both of them have not only matched with my DH but they have had mostly the exact same numbers that match with him. That means they match with one another too.
And the surrogate in Las Vegas checked with a close friend who is also a surrogate and had this testing done at one point and guess what? She also matches with my DH! So, basically, it seems like I may be the only female in the world who doesn't match with him (and you all know what great success we've had having children). Yet, my Dr. insists that the incidence of this matching is only 10% and I just happen to be coming across the 10%. Got to love those low percentage numbers for bad things when it comes to infertility. I'm clearly drawn to them like a fly to light.
He told me I just need to be more persistent Hello??? I'm headed into my 8th fresh IVF cycle, have done 2 transfers to a surrogate and 8 to myself. Does it seem like I'm lacking in @#&@!# persistence?
Oh yeah, to top off the lovely week I'm having, I get to look forward to the BFN call I'll get tomorrow from the local clinic. Plus, my Dr. didn't increase my dose enough for my next cycle so now I have to debate that with him.
The only bright spot of my week was that I actually had a few readers and comments yesterday (thank you).
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Feeling Down
My surrogate took another hpt this morning and it was negative. It's now 6dp6dt. Again, it's not like I had any expectation of it working. I guess I should just consider myself fortunate that it flat out didn't work instead of being a miscarriage again.
The DQ Alpha results were supposed to be back today on my potential surrogate out in Vegas but, apparently, they aren't in. The nurse said she should have them for me tomorrow.
When my DH noticed I was stressed out today, he asked "This isn't something we need to worry about, right? Wouldn't it be extremely rare for 2 surrogates to come back with a match?" I just told him he knows what our luck is like when it comes to all of this. At this point, I feel like anything is possible.....except for success of course.
5dp6dt and BFN
My surrogate called me yesterday morning to tell me she took a HPT and it was negative. I told her it was still too early, blah, blah, blah.....
I asked her not to even test again until Wed. or Thurs.
Meanwhile, I know it's really not too early. The test she took claims to pick up something like 83% of pregnancies at 11 DPO. I can't say the BFN comes as a surprise to me, but it does make me really concerned because that means, out of all the embryos we had from that cycle we did (when I was 2 years younger) none of the embryos were normal. I guess I could make the case that maybe one of the 3 that were transferred to me on the fresh cycle were normal but, if I have an implantation/carrier problem, then we failed anyway. I don't think I believe that though. If there had been a normal one in there, it seems like I at least would have had a chemical pregnancy. The other 5 blasts were transferred to my surrogate between these 2 transfers. Last cycle she got pregnant but miscarried as the embryo turned out to be abnormal. This time, it looks like she won't get pregnant at all.
What was it about my first 2 cycles in Vegas that allowed me to have normal embryos? It seems those were the only 2 attempts I have actually had a few normal ones. Of course, I have no way of knowing if they were all really normal. Some might have fallen into the 20% that test normal but are actually abnormal. I do know, without doubt, that the one I got pregnant with yet miscarried was truly normal since the testing from the D&C reconfirmed it. Yet, maybe that was the only normal embryo we've ever really had......in which case the odds of getting another would be extremely slim.
While I didn't expect anything more than a negative result for this transfer, the whole thing is just making me feel very pessimistic about another cycle accomplishing anything. I can't see this ever working for us and am starting to feel like all I'm really doing is buying time because DH and I can't seem to agree on what we'd do if this doesn't work.
I asked her not to even test again until Wed. or Thurs.
Meanwhile, I know it's really not too early. The test she took claims to pick up something like 83% of pregnancies at 11 DPO. I can't say the BFN comes as a surprise to me, but it does make me really concerned because that means, out of all the embryos we had from that cycle we did (when I was 2 years younger) none of the embryos were normal. I guess I could make the case that maybe one of the 3 that were transferred to me on the fresh cycle were normal but, if I have an implantation/carrier problem, then we failed anyway. I don't think I believe that though. If there had been a normal one in there, it seems like I at least would have had a chemical pregnancy. The other 5 blasts were transferred to my surrogate between these 2 transfers. Last cycle she got pregnant but miscarried as the embryo turned out to be abnormal. This time, it looks like she won't get pregnant at all.
What was it about my first 2 cycles in Vegas that allowed me to have normal embryos? It seems those were the only 2 attempts I have actually had a few normal ones. Of course, I have no way of knowing if they were all really normal. Some might have fallen into the 20% that test normal but are actually abnormal. I do know, without doubt, that the one I got pregnant with yet miscarried was truly normal since the testing from the D&C reconfirmed it. Yet, maybe that was the only normal embryo we've ever really had......in which case the odds of getting another would be extremely slim.
While I didn't expect anything more than a negative result for this transfer, the whole thing is just making me feel very pessimistic about another cycle accomplishing anything. I can't see this ever working for us and am starting to feel like all I'm really doing is buying time because DH and I can't seem to agree on what we'd do if this doesn't work.
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