10dp5dt

My surrogate broke down and took a blood test at a place that gives the results directly to patients at 7dp5dt and it was negative.  That pretty much settled things.  Nonetheless, the clinic wanted another test today at 10dp5dt which was also negative (no surprise there).

From the moment the tested embryo was determined not to have thawed properly, I knew there was very little hope for this cycle.  And, actually, DH and I are relieved just to have it 

be a flat out BFN vs. a short lived BFP.

We set up our adoption home study appointment for next weekend.  If it seems to some of you that I'm jumping into adoption alarmingly fast, that's not really the case.   If it works out for us, I have a feeling I'll be kicking myself for having been so slow to head in that direction.  DH and I went into IVF saying that we'd adopt if it didn't work out for us.  I don't think either of us banked on doing as many cycles as we did and spending so many years.  It's just that we always seemed so close to having success.  

There was a point along the way where I started feeling ready to give up on IVF, but DH wasn't there yet.  Then, I think he was there at one point, but I wasn't.  I didn't want to pressure him into adoption.  I knew adoption was something we both had to feel fully ready for at the same time.  Recently, DH started bringing it up as something he really wants to move ahead with.   I'm not going to say I don't have fears about adopting.  It seems like a such a huge leap of faith but, if I trust my heart and what others who have adopted tell me, we're probably going to come out the other side wishing we had just done it sooner.   I've spent years thinking about it, reading about it and talking with people who have adopted so it's not like I'm going into it blindly by any means.  Even so, I'm just nervous about starting a whole new process and of the new types of disappointments that might be out there waiting for us.  

 

Decisions

Over the past couple days, DH and I have managed to reach a decision.

We are going to do the home study for adoption. I've already started getting the required letters of reference and documents together and will call tomorrow to set up the
appointment time. I know the home study itself will take up to a month before it's completed. During that time, I'll try to work on deciding if we should use an agency or attorney. We plan on adopting an infant domestically but, beyond that, I'm not sure yet what avenue we'll use to proceed with things. I can only hope this process ends up actually resulting in our becoming parents and, preferably, sometime before I turn 40. It's hard to believe that anything will after getting disappointed for so many years by infertility treatment.

Today is 6dp5dt for my surrogate and she's testing negative on HPT's. I was actually annoyed to find that my clinic expected her to test at 8dp5dt, not give us the result, then have her test again at 10dp5dt. We have to pay for these tests out of pocket and they are $ 200 each. So, if it was negative at 8dp5dt, we'd essentially be doing another test for no reason. I told my Dr. that I'd rather just do the first test at 10dp5dt so it can be accepted as a conclusive negative and then not have them require an additional test. I know $ 200 is not much in the scheme of IVF, but it's enough to have 2 nice dinners out.....or fill my gas tank four times......or buy a couple pairs of shoes......or do plenty of other things which are all a heck of a lot better than getting a repeat negative beta result. I mean who has ever gotten a beta done at 8dp5dt, had a complete negative, and actually gone on to get a positive 2 days later? I am guessing no one.

I think I give up

Nothing went well today.  

Finally, at around 2:00, I heard from the clinic.  The news was basically that the tested embryo was still not expanded which was a bad sign and that they suggested thawing out my one inconclusive embryo (in other words, the tested one had no chance so we should transfer whatever else we could at the same time and say 1000 Hail Mary's).  

I pointed out that 1.)  I was supposed to have 2 untested embryos and 2.) the agreed upon plan from the start was that they would thaw and transfer all 3 embryos.

The coordinator told me that she checked with the lab and I only had 2 embryos; the CGH tested and 1 untested.  I insisted that there was another embryo that my old coordinator had discovered several months ago and had verified was there with the lab.

We were told to go there immediately for the transfer.  When I got there,  I was told that I was right and there was a 3rd embryo.  Meanwhile, it's not like it really mattered because everything had been riding on our one tested embryo and basically that was crap after the thaw.

It wasn't dead but it wasn't developing either after several hours.

My surrogate and I got there only to wait for about 2 1/2 hours before they actually did the transfer.  My poor surrogate had to empty her bladder twice and drink the water all over again. She was being a good sport but at one point she joked that it was only her first time and she was already starting to feel bitter.  Welcome to my world. 

When the Dr. finally came in, he told me that the tested embryo was still non-expanded which was basically a bad sign, that one of the tested embryos looked "okay", and that I had one beautiful looking hatching untested embryo.  I pointed out to him that I've had as many as 11 supposedly perfect looking blasts in one cycle before and only 2 of them tested normal.  I transferred 3 hatching blasts to a surrogate in Florida that were not tested and she got pregnant with and miscarried one at around 8 weeks (later revealed to be abnormal).  So, it's not like I'm going to be optimistic about one embryo that looks good when it hasn't been tested.  I was annoyed that he was trying to put a positive spin on this like there actually is a chance.   

He basically couldn't give me any good explanations about what happened with the CGH one.  He said that, yes, maybe the tested embryo was really abnormal as happens 20% of the time (up quite a bit from when I first started doing this but I guess that's the risk you take with new research).  He basically admitted having no idea what is going on with our case and didn't know what to advise us.  

Of course, it is only too symbolic of our luck that we finally get things together to transfer a tested embryo to a surrogate and it's the first time one of our tested embryos hasn't come through the thaw looking perfect.  

DH and I talked and we are just so done with this.  We would have given up long ago if we weren't always so seemingly close to having this work.  I wish things had gone more obviously wrong earlier so we would have changed paths and not wasted so many years and money.   Now I see that we're never going to have everything align all at once.  I had the good embryos when I was transferring them to myself.  Now, that I have a surrogate, I don't have embryos. 

We don't know what we're going to do.   I just can't even think straight anymore tonight. 

Waiting

Dinner with my GS and her husband went really well.  We were all very comfortable around each other and it was great to finally meet her in person.  

I woke up this morning at 5:30 AM.....partly due to the 3 hour time difference, but probably more to do with the fact that I'm a nervous wreck right now (so much for remaining numb).

I actually dumped my morning coffee halfway through drinking it (unheard of!) because I was already so jittery that I couldn't handle the caffeine.

The coordinator will call my GS around 10 this morning and let her know what time the transfer will be this afternoon.  She'll call and let me know as soon as she finds out.  It's going to be torture waiting all day to see if the embryos make it.   

I'll post later after we get back.  PLEASE, please make it tested embryo.  :{

 

Vegas.....again

Well, here we are in Vegas again.  It was a bit of a different experience flying here without 

toting along IVF medications.  I think this is the first time I've ever been here that my carry-on and body weren't full of meds.  

We're about to head out to meet my surrogate and her husband for the first time in person.  I feel like I already know her very well since we've exchanged many e-mails and photos, have talked on the phone and even used the webcam to talk once.   She is really an amazing person and I feel so fortunate to have her doing this for us.  

I'm still in a panic worrying that the tested embryo may not make the thaw.  I think you've all seen how my luck (or lack thereof) goes when it comes to all of this.

I'll post tomorrow after the transfer.  Thanks for the good wishes from those who posted.  It's nice knowing that there are friends out there looking out for me.

3 Days to Transfer

On Thursday, my GS called to tell me she just got back from her lining check and her lining was 16 mm. I couldn't ask for better than that. So, she started her progesterone and the transfer will happen on Tuesday. DH and I fly out to Vegas on Monday.

When I told DH about her results, he said that he was mainly worried that the embryos wouldn't make the thaw....especially our one tested one. I wish he hadn't said that. I know it's a very real possibility, but it's something I'm trying not to acknowledge at the moment. It is exactly the type of thing that would happen to us when we are finally trying to transfer a tested embryo to a GS.  I'm just praying that we will get a break and everything will go as planned. 

I've been trying my best to remain a little numb throughout the whole process this time.  It's hard because we have so much riding on this.  Meanwhile, my surrogate is very excited so I try to make myself a little more upbeat for her sake.  She is someone who is not used to failing in the this arena. I'm someone who can't really fathom winning anymore.

At any rate, I will try to post from Vegas after the transfer.

I'm back

I know it's been a long time since I've written. I've probably lost the few readers I had by this time.

Things have just been very busy. I've been trying to cram a bunch of things in before I end up absorbed with all of the IVF issues again. I didn't want to even think about IVF for awhile so that meant taking a little break from this blog. We went to visit DH's mom again for a couple days. My Dad visited for a week and I had a great time with him here....although I felt sort of bad having my Dad visit when DH no longer has his, but he assured me that he loves my Dad and didn't want me to not have him visit. Next weekend we're going to VT for my mom's birthday.

We will go to Vegas Aug. 25-27 for the transfer to my GS. The more I get to know her, the more I see what an amazing person she is and I feel so lucky to have her doing this for us. I just hope one of our embryos cooperates. I feel a huge amount of pressure to have this work......even more than usual. For one, these are the last embryos we have frozen anywhere. In the past, we've always had some as a back up. Even if I might not have had high hopes for them, at least there was some sort of chance left. For another, my MIL is so hopeful of this working. I know it'd mean so much to her and the last thing she needs in her present emotional state is bad news. The same could be said for DH. So, I really almost am afraid to even do this for fear of creating bad news.

We are still planning to do the fresh cycle in October even though I'm very uncertain about whether it's the right thing or not. I talked it out with my MIL and she made me promise we'd go ahead with it as we had originally planned. It's just that so much has changed since then. If the transfer to my surrogate doesn't work this time, how much hope would I have of not only getting more normal embryos in another fresh cycle (especially considering I didn't the last time around and I'm that much older now) but then also having the transfer work? Right. Not much.

Canceled cycle

We ended up deciding to hold on the fresh cycle until Oct.   I hope the decision isn't a mistake.  I'll be 1 month away from turning 39 at that point.  The thing is, if we were already having to wait until August, it's only an additional 2 months.  Granted, it's 7 months since the last time I cycled (and who knows if that went poorly because I was 7 months older than the time prior to that), but there's nothing I can do about it.  

We're going to try to proceed with the transfer of the embryos we already have frozen to our surrogate in August.  I just didn't feel like I could handle that and a fresh cycle in the same month under the circumstances.   The next cycle my Dr. offers after that isn't until Oct.

Things are still sad and stressful.  I'm hoping that, by Oct., at least we'll be in a position where we could handle bad news.  I can't imagine doing both in August and finding out the transfer to the surrogate didn't work and we didn't have any normal embryos.  We're already in such a depressed state right now due to missing DH's Dad that I can't take the risk of setting us up for that kind of situation.

Father's Day

We got back from Long Island Friday night. We didn't want to leave my mother in law, but could tell she needed some time to herself. We've been calling her 3 to 4 times a day to check on her and plan to go back again Friday-Tues.

I know today is going to be especially rough for DH. Father's Day has always been kind of hard on him just like Mother's Day always is for me due to not having children. But, now he will also suffer because he no longer has his Dad either. I remember asking my MIL the week before last what we could get DH's Dad for Father's Day and she had said that he had been carrying around a soft briefcase sort of thing that DH had given to him years ago (I think it was just something that DH had and didn't use) to the point that it was getting holes in it. It was definitely nothing great but he liked it only because it was from DH. So, we had planned to get him a really nice one to replace it. I feel so upset that, if this had to happen, it couldn't have at least been after Father's Day so he could have gotten all the gifts and cards from the family and would have left knowing how much we all love him.

We canceled the July IVF cycle. We just don't have that in us right now. My intent when canceling had been to postpone until August and I think that's what DH wants to do. But part of me just feels like putting it on hold even longer until the next cycle Dr. S. has after that which is in Oct. If I could be reassured that waiting that long wouldn't make a difference, I would definitely wait.

I'm not sure what we'll do about the surrogacy. The lady who will be my GS is just wonderful and told me not to worry; that she'd wait for us as long as we needed her to. Financially, it's going to be rough as my FIL had been sending us money for the surrogacy. Now, after taking over management of the finances temporarily to help out, I can see he was being extremely generous by helping us. I'm sure he had been expecting money in for deals he was working on that would have taken care of everything, but now that money is not coming in and we certainly do not want to take anything from my MIL as she'll need what she gets for selling the house and from life insurance to take care of herself. But, my MIL insists that it was so important to my father in law that we do this and he would not have wanted us to cancel everything. She made me promise not to. So I guess we'll have to find some way to do it. I just can't see doing a fresh IVF cycle in August and trying to get my surrogate's transfer of the embryos we already have set up for August as well. It just seems like too much....emotionally and financially.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I just have to make the decision and not trouble DH with this as he has more than enough to deal with right now.

Death of a much loved father in law

My father in law died very suddenly on Friday afternoon.   It came as a complete shock to everyone.  He was 73 but seemingly very healthy and active.  He was a great man who treated me like his own daughter.  Whenever I saw him, his eyes would light up and he'd give me a big hug and tell me how beautiful I was.   The whole family is devastated.   My husband doesn't know how he'll pull through this.  He always used to call his Dad for advice and guidance on things.  His Mom and Dad had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary not too long ago.  They had known each other since they were 14.  They were the kind of couple that was so obviously as much in love 50 years later as they were upon getting married.  I am very worried for my mother in law.   

My husband's mom and dad had both been helping us financially with the surrogacy and have always been there for us to talk to throughout hard times.  I am sad that, if we ever have a child, he will not get to see him/her.  I know my father in law would have loved that more than anything.  I went in his office to try to help sort through papers yesterday and he actually had a file of articles about infertility.  He wanted to understand and help.  I couldn't help but start crying.  He had really wanted to have the whole family together, but never pressured us because he and my MIL understood it would be painful for us to be around Jordan's brother's children.  The sad thing is now we are all here together and we have met some of the children for the first time (and they are so cute) and we have bridged the gap that had grown between his brothers and their wives and us.  Yet, I hate that it took this for it to happen.  I feel like I was selfish and should have done it sooner for the sake of my in laws who were getting older.

I will never again assume there is always time to make a situation right.

My husband is so devastated.  There is so much more to say but the funeral is today and I should go get ready.  It's going to be an extremely difficult day for everyone.