I think I give up

Nothing went well today.  

Finally, at around 2:00, I heard from the clinic.  The news was basically that the tested embryo was still not expanded which was a bad sign and that they suggested thawing out my one inconclusive embryo (in other words, the tested one had no chance so we should transfer whatever else we could at the same time and say 1000 Hail Mary's).  

I pointed out that 1.)  I was supposed to have 2 untested embryos and 2.) the agreed upon plan from the start was that they would thaw and transfer all 3 embryos.

The coordinator told me that she checked with the lab and I only had 2 embryos; the CGH tested and 1 untested.  I insisted that there was another embryo that my old coordinator had discovered several months ago and had verified was there with the lab.

We were told to go there immediately for the transfer.  When I got there,  I was told that I was right and there was a 3rd embryo.  Meanwhile, it's not like it really mattered because everything had been riding on our one tested embryo and basically that was crap after the thaw.

It wasn't dead but it wasn't developing either after several hours.

My surrogate and I got there only to wait for about 2 1/2 hours before they actually did the transfer.  My poor surrogate had to empty her bladder twice and drink the water all over again. She was being a good sport but at one point she joked that it was only her first time and she was already starting to feel bitter.  Welcome to my world. 

When the Dr. finally came in, he told me that the tested embryo was still non-expanded which was basically a bad sign, that one of the tested embryos looked "okay", and that I had one beautiful looking hatching untested embryo.  I pointed out to him that I've had as many as 11 supposedly perfect looking blasts in one cycle before and only 2 of them tested normal.  I transferred 3 hatching blasts to a surrogate in Florida that were not tested and she got pregnant with and miscarried one at around 8 weeks (later revealed to be abnormal).  So, it's not like I'm going to be optimistic about one embryo that looks good when it hasn't been tested.  I was annoyed that he was trying to put a positive spin on this like there actually is a chance.   

He basically couldn't give me any good explanations about what happened with the CGH one.  He said that, yes, maybe the tested embryo was really abnormal as happens 20% of the time (up quite a bit from when I first started doing this but I guess that's the risk you take with new research).  He basically admitted having no idea what is going on with our case and didn't know what to advise us.  

Of course, it is only too symbolic of our luck that we finally get things together to transfer a tested embryo to a surrogate and it's the first time one of our tested embryos hasn't come through the thaw looking perfect.  

DH and I talked and we are just so done with this.  We would have given up long ago if we weren't always so seemingly close to having this work.  I wish things had gone more obviously wrong earlier so we would have changed paths and not wasted so many years and money.   Now I see that we're never going to have everything align all at once.  I had the good embryos when I was transferring them to myself.  Now, that I have a surrogate, I don't have embryos. 

We don't know what we're going to do.   I just can't even think straight anymore tonight. 

Waiting

Dinner with my GS and her husband went really well.  We were all very comfortable around each other and it was great to finally meet her in person.  

I woke up this morning at 5:30 AM.....partly due to the 3 hour time difference, but probably more to do with the fact that I'm a nervous wreck right now (so much for remaining numb).

I actually dumped my morning coffee halfway through drinking it (unheard of!) because I was already so jittery that I couldn't handle the caffeine.

The coordinator will call my GS around 10 this morning and let her know what time the transfer will be this afternoon.  She'll call and let me know as soon as she finds out.  It's going to be torture waiting all day to see if the embryos make it.   

I'll post later after we get back.  PLEASE, please make it tested embryo.  :{

 

Vegas.....again

Well, here we are in Vegas again.  It was a bit of a different experience flying here without 

toting along IVF medications.  I think this is the first time I've ever been here that my carry-on and body weren't full of meds.  

We're about to head out to meet my surrogate and her husband for the first time in person.  I feel like I already know her very well since we've exchanged many e-mails and photos, have talked on the phone and even used the webcam to talk once.   She is really an amazing person and I feel so fortunate to have her doing this for us.  

I'm still in a panic worrying that the tested embryo may not make the thaw.  I think you've all seen how my luck (or lack thereof) goes when it comes to all of this.

I'll post tomorrow after the transfer.  Thanks for the good wishes from those who posted.  It's nice knowing that there are friends out there looking out for me.

3 Days to Transfer

On Thursday, my GS called to tell me she just got back from her lining check and her lining was 16 mm. I couldn't ask for better than that. So, she started her progesterone and the transfer will happen on Tuesday. DH and I fly out to Vegas on Monday.

When I told DH about her results, he said that he was mainly worried that the embryos wouldn't make the thaw....especially our one tested one. I wish he hadn't said that. I know it's a very real possibility, but it's something I'm trying not to acknowledge at the moment. It is exactly the type of thing that would happen to us when we are finally trying to transfer a tested embryo to a GS.  I'm just praying that we will get a break and everything will go as planned. 

I've been trying my best to remain a little numb throughout the whole process this time.  It's hard because we have so much riding on this.  Meanwhile, my surrogate is very excited so I try to make myself a little more upbeat for her sake.  She is someone who is not used to failing in the this arena. I'm someone who can't really fathom winning anymore.

At any rate, I will try to post from Vegas after the transfer.

I'm back

I know it's been a long time since I've written. I've probably lost the few readers I had by this time.

Things have just been very busy. I've been trying to cram a bunch of things in before I end up absorbed with all of the IVF issues again. I didn't want to even think about IVF for awhile so that meant taking a little break from this blog. We went to visit DH's mom again for a couple days. My Dad visited for a week and I had a great time with him here....although I felt sort of bad having my Dad visit when DH no longer has his, but he assured me that he loves my Dad and didn't want me to not have him visit. Next weekend we're going to VT for my mom's birthday.

We will go to Vegas Aug. 25-27 for the transfer to my GS. The more I get to know her, the more I see what an amazing person she is and I feel so lucky to have her doing this for us. I just hope one of our embryos cooperates. I feel a huge amount of pressure to have this work......even more than usual. For one, these are the last embryos we have frozen anywhere. In the past, we've always had some as a back up. Even if I might not have had high hopes for them, at least there was some sort of chance left. For another, my MIL is so hopeful of this working. I know it'd mean so much to her and the last thing she needs in her present emotional state is bad news. The same could be said for DH. So, I really almost am afraid to even do this for fear of creating bad news.

We are still planning to do the fresh cycle in October even though I'm very uncertain about whether it's the right thing or not. I talked it out with my MIL and she made me promise we'd go ahead with it as we had originally planned. It's just that so much has changed since then. If the transfer to my surrogate doesn't work this time, how much hope would I have of not only getting more normal embryos in another fresh cycle (especially considering I didn't the last time around and I'm that much older now) but then also having the transfer work? Right. Not much.

Canceled cycle

We ended up deciding to hold on the fresh cycle until Oct.   I hope the decision isn't a mistake.  I'll be 1 month away from turning 39 at that point.  The thing is, if we were already having to wait until August, it's only an additional 2 months.  Granted, it's 7 months since the last time I cycled (and who knows if that went poorly because I was 7 months older than the time prior to that), but there's nothing I can do about it.  

We're going to try to proceed with the transfer of the embryos we already have frozen to our surrogate in August.  I just didn't feel like I could handle that and a fresh cycle in the same month under the circumstances.   The next cycle my Dr. offers after that isn't until Oct.

Things are still sad and stressful.  I'm hoping that, by Oct., at least we'll be in a position where we could handle bad news.  I can't imagine doing both in August and finding out the transfer to the surrogate didn't work and we didn't have any normal embryos.  We're already in such a depressed state right now due to missing DH's Dad that I can't take the risk of setting us up for that kind of situation.

Father's Day

We got back from Long Island Friday night. We didn't want to leave my mother in law, but could tell she needed some time to herself. We've been calling her 3 to 4 times a day to check on her and plan to go back again Friday-Tues.

I know today is going to be especially rough for DH. Father's Day has always been kind of hard on him just like Mother's Day always is for me due to not having children. But, now he will also suffer because he no longer has his Dad either. I remember asking my MIL the week before last what we could get DH's Dad for Father's Day and she had said that he had been carrying around a soft briefcase sort of thing that DH had given to him years ago (I think it was just something that DH had and didn't use) to the point that it was getting holes in it. It was definitely nothing great but he liked it only because it was from DH. So, we had planned to get him a really nice one to replace it. I feel so upset that, if this had to happen, it couldn't have at least been after Father's Day so he could have gotten all the gifts and cards from the family and would have left knowing how much we all love him.

We canceled the July IVF cycle. We just don't have that in us right now. My intent when canceling had been to postpone until August and I think that's what DH wants to do. But part of me just feels like putting it on hold even longer until the next cycle Dr. S. has after that which is in Oct. If I could be reassured that waiting that long wouldn't make a difference, I would definitely wait.

I'm not sure what we'll do about the surrogacy. The lady who will be my GS is just wonderful and told me not to worry; that she'd wait for us as long as we needed her to. Financially, it's going to be rough as my FIL had been sending us money for the surrogacy. Now, after taking over management of the finances temporarily to help out, I can see he was being extremely generous by helping us. I'm sure he had been expecting money in for deals he was working on that would have taken care of everything, but now that money is not coming in and we certainly do not want to take anything from my MIL as she'll need what she gets for selling the house and from life insurance to take care of herself. But, my MIL insists that it was so important to my father in law that we do this and he would not have wanted us to cancel everything. She made me promise not to. So I guess we'll have to find some way to do it. I just can't see doing a fresh IVF cycle in August and trying to get my surrogate's transfer of the embryos we already have set up for August as well. It just seems like too much....emotionally and financially.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I just have to make the decision and not trouble DH with this as he has more than enough to deal with right now.

Death of a much loved father in law

My father in law died very suddenly on Friday afternoon.   It came as a complete shock to everyone.  He was 73 but seemingly very healthy and active.  He was a great man who treated me like his own daughter.  Whenever I saw him, his eyes would light up and he'd give me a big hug and tell me how beautiful I was.   The whole family is devastated.   My husband doesn't know how he'll pull through this.  He always used to call his Dad for advice and guidance on things.  His Mom and Dad had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary not too long ago.  They had known each other since they were 14.  They were the kind of couple that was so obviously as much in love 50 years later as they were upon getting married.  I am very worried for my mother in law.   

My husband's mom and dad had both been helping us financially with the surrogacy and have always been there for us to talk to throughout hard times.  I am sad that, if we ever have a child, he will not get to see him/her.  I know my father in law would have loved that more than anything.  I went in his office to try to help sort through papers yesterday and he actually had a file of articles about infertility.  He wanted to understand and help.  I couldn't help but start crying.  He had really wanted to have the whole family together, but never pressured us because he and my MIL understood it would be painful for us to be around Jordan's brother's children.  The sad thing is now we are all here together and we have met some of the children for the first time (and they are so cute) and we have bridged the gap that had grown between his brothers and their wives and us.  Yet, I hate that it took this for it to happen.  I feel like I was selfish and should have done it sooner for the sake of my in laws who were getting older.

I will never again assume there is always time to make a situation right.

My husband is so devastated.  There is so much more to say but the funeral is today and I should go get ready.  It's going to be an extremely difficult day for everyone.

Money

Well, it looks like we're going to try to move forward with this other surrogate in Vegas, but I'm really worried about the financial aspect of it all. We called tons of insurance companies and she talked with an insurance broker. The bottom line is there are no individual plans out there which even cover maternity (let alone when it's a surrogacy) without a 12 month waiting period except for the policies underwritten by Lloyd's of London specifically for surrogacy pregnancy coverage and they are very expensive.

The best one I could find requires a $8,200 premium and there is a $ 17,200 deductible. The deductible has to be paid up front along with the premium but, at the end of pregnancy, they do return any unused balance of the deductible after 6 months.

Our only other option is to just self pay all the medical costs but I honestly have no idea how expensive a pregnancy could get if there happened to be complications. We already know she'll probably need a C-section since she had one for her child.

So, the question is do we pay $ 8,200 to guarantee that our medical costs won't end up in excess of $ 17,200 (so essentially, our costs would have to end up being more than $25,400 for the insurance to have been worth it). If there is a miscarriage after she's transferred over to the OB, there is no refund of any of the premium so we'd risk losing substantial money there for nothing....not that we're not used to that, of course. I'm looking to my in laws for guidance with this since they make pretty level headed decisions when it comes to finances. So far, they seem to be of the opinion that we should just self pay. It's just that, knowing our luck, it is not too difficult to imagine some kind of major complications occurring which would result in like $ 150,000 - $ 200,000 in medical bills. And then we'd really be kicking ourselves for having been worried about saving $ 8,200!

I had a consult with my Dr. yesterday to discuss my protocol for this cycle. Last time I was on the same 300 iu follistim for 2 days then down to 225 iu follistim that I had been on for the 2 cycles prior. But last time, I didn't respond to that dose for some reason. I don't know if it was due to increased age (it was 7 or 8 months since my prior fresh cycle) or just a fluke.

When I got out to Vegas after 8 nights of stims, my E2 was only at 180 as opposed to around 2000 the other times. So then, I had to be increased to 300 iu and things moved along better. I still had less eggs and embryos than prior cycles and I ended up without any normal ones.

This time, I had hoped to start at 375 and drop to 300 but the Dr. told me in an e-mail that my only choices are either starting at 375 and dropping to 225 or starting at 450 and dropping to 300. This makes no sense to me and neither of those plans seems ideal but he says these are the only options. He said that, if the higher dose is more than I need, my body will just get rid of the excess and it won't hurt egg quality. Why not just put everyone on super high doses to begin with then? I told him I'd go ahead and do the higher dose but am feeling nervous about it. I just wish my body hadn't acted so unpredictably on the past cycle. We had the protocol and dose down perfectly prior to that.

Trying to pick myself up

Ok, well the last few days have been really rough.

As usual, Kobi has been a big comfort to me. He's been by my side even more than normal. Except this morning he took it a little too far when he almost jumped on the treadmill with me. Fortunately, I was able to hit the stop button and block him just in time.

DH was really surprised by how hard I was taking the news of the failed cycle because we had known from the start that the chances of it working were slim. As I tried to explain to him, it's not so much the failed cycle as it is getting bad news yet again. And it was right on top of the news about the Vegas surrogate I hoped to work with having the match with my DH. I can only take so much. I guess part of me is always holding out hope for the kind of miracles I see happen to others. Part of me remains convinced (in spite of only evidence to the contrary) that if you persist in getting something you want in life, you'll eventually succeed.

As I mentioned in my prior post, I do have another possibility for a surrogate in Vegas. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like it may not work out either because her medical insurance
has a very clear surrogacy exclusion. And, so far, the only insurance policy we have found that would cover the maternity for a surrogate costs upward of $ 25,000. And, it would end up being several thousand even if the transfer didn't work due to the application fee and administrative fee. Add this to the $ 20,000 which gets paid to the surrogate herself, the $ 6,500 to the agency, probably $ 5,000 to the attorney for contracts, $ 2,000 to the clinic for their "surrogate coordination fee"....
It's just crazy.

Anyway, DH and I are heading out to the beach. I definitely need to get out of the house even though it's hard to motivate myself to do anything right now.