Here I go again

I guess I'm not as good at blogging as I thought I'd be. Two months without an entry. One might get the impression that I actually had things going on in my life (other than IVF). Ha!

I'm currently on lupron in preparation for what will be my last fresh cycle. Unfortunately, it's going to require traveling out to the clinic in Las Vegas again; something which I'm dreading. I've had enough of Las Vegas to last me for my life (of course, my hatred for it may have something to do with the fact that we are always out there for IVF procedures and never to enjoy ourselves). We'll be doing testing on the embryos again and, since it can take up to 6 weeks to get the results back, the embryos will be frozen. If there are any normal ones, then either myself or a surrogate will be doing a FET at some point. I may actually try transferring to myself one more time, but only if we have more than 1 to work with.

Other than that, I'm just extremely stressed because my cat Kobi (who is my best friend!) has been having some health issues. We've known for awhile that he has kidney stones and he's been doing ok but at his last visit to the vets we learned that he has a level 4 heart murmur. Now, the vet had discovered a Level 2 murmur last year and we had an echo done which looked okay. The fact that it has gotten worse though is concerning and I found out we did not have the echo. done by a veterinary cardiologist last time around. It was just an internist and it's possible he might have missed a problem in its early stages. So, now he's set up for another echo. on Tues. I'm just praying everything will look okay. He's only 6 1/2 and I've been counting on him being around for many, many more years. Honestly, I don't know how I could have made it through all these stressful years of infertility and IVF treatment without him. I do love my other cat, Sasha, as well but just don't have the same kind of connection with him. Kobi is my baby.

When this next cycle is over with, I fully intend to try to enjoy life for awhile. I've had it with IVF. I just feel so bitter lately. We've spent so much money and, even worse, I feel like I've completely wasted years of my life and we have nothing to show for it. I know it's my own fault. Maybe I should have drawn the line long ago, but I just didn't want to live my life thinking "what if"? And, I guess for a while I deluded myself that I'd be able to look back on all of this with my baby in my arms and think how much it was all worth it. It's looking like that's not going to happen.

Hmmm.... now I see why I blog so little. I end up depressing myself!